List of all notable quotes by or about Wade Wilson (Earth-616).
(Please add any important quotations that may be missing, ensuring to cite the original source. Pages with a quote from this character will automatically be added here along with the quote.)
(Please add any important quotations that may be missing, ensuring to cite the original source. Pages with a quote from this character will automatically be added here along with the quote.)
Tell 'em time and time again -- keep your mouth shut -- but women, you know? They-just-don't-listen! 
Come ta think of it -- I've seen tougher Ken dolls than you! An' I mean take yer pick here -- mod-hair Ken -- disco Ken -- summer fun Ken -- I let Barbie whip me 'cos I'm a wuss Ken -- Any o' you guys lissenin' t'me?
Did he say Jughead-naut? Is that someone who searches for the Archies?
Edsel, huh? Good name for yer little tank...'cause for all the crud you three just put me through -- I'm gonna make you all obsolete!
AAAAAAAAGHHH!! Packing chips! That's the greatest weapon on the face of the planet -- styrofoam packing chips! Just imagine getting nailed by some of these babies! Oh the humanity!
You have any idea how hard it is to find a joint that'll serve a guy in a mask and bandolier? They won't even let me into Taco Bell!
"Pwangg?" Trees don't go "Pwangg--" Llamas don't go "Pwangg--" Nothing found in nature goes "Pwangg", which means -- we're officially hip deep in the smelly stuff.
Didn't anyone tell you? I'm a riddle, dude. I eat the uncertainty principle for breakfast -- I was born the original loose cannon -- and I am one unpredictable feather-pluckin' walrus! Koo-koo-ka-freakin'-Choo!
The only thing you're going to be is shish-kabob. And as soon as I find my lungs, I'm taking you back to the Kingpin for supper!
...none of this is actually happening. There is a man. At a typewriter. This is all his twisted imagination.
You wanted to hear my story. Well, here it is: my name is Wade Wilson. I spent a lotta years doin' things I wasn't particularly proud of. Then I got cancer. Then I joned the Weapon X Project, hopin' to find a cure. I gained a healing factor which eliminated the cancer, and most of my skin. Then I washed out of Weapon X as a failed genetic mess. I was discarded, along with dozens of others. Left to rot -- in the dead pool. Busted out. Did a few more things I wasn't particularly proud of before I found my calling -- as Deadpool. Did more stuff. Saved the Universe. Got myself scragged -- woke up here -- wherever "here" is -- with you -- whoever you are. Which brings us to Chapter X: "Egghead gets his neck snapped!" A Quinn Martin Production.
I know y'can't hear me, Mercedes -- after all, you're not dead anymore. Ain't that darn ironic. You get your life back just as mine is stripped away. Which, I guess, is pretty much what I had comin'. Seein' as how I'm the guy that killed you. But I sure wish you were here. I don't mean here -- in the ground or nothin' -- I just -- ah, whatever, just lookin' for the right words to say -- somethin' appropriate -- -- oh, wait. That's right -- you weren't my wife.
How to be a super-villain, lesson 32: "When attacking your enemy, do not scream like a girl scouts -- as that may tend to alarm him to your presence, giving him the split-second he needs to reach --" his concussion grenades!!
"Go to the light, Wade Wilson... go to the..." Memo to self: stop making fun of Crush Test Dummies...
Ah, threats! And so well-timed! Okayyy -- NOBODY MOVE -- OR THE WHITE BOY GETS IT!! I mean it! One step and he's a dead man! Just one! Any step will do! Even a baby step... a shuffle! A slither! You there -- with the two heads -- you look like you wanna take a step --!
Yeah, well -- things change. I mean, c'mon! We've knocked noggins enough for you to know that trying to figure me out is like trying to predict the migrating habits of Africanized bees! It's like -- you can do it -- but somebody's always gonna get stung!
First, my day rate for snuffing self-loathing maniacs in kitty-kat suits is a lot higher than my standard kidnap fee. Second -- well, okay, I only have one level!
Well if it isn't Nathan Christopher Dayspring Askani'son Summers... or are you just calling yourself Priscilla now?
Hey if you looked like Ryan Reynolds crossed with a shar-pei, you'd understand!
"This place makes the best Chimichanga on the island. Don't even like Chimichangas all that much. I just love saying it. Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga."
Once, a tragic divide rocked the Stars and Stripes. Civil strife pitched brother against brother. Blue versus Grey. It was a terrible time, blood and guts and everything in very depressing sepia. It was called The War Between The States, but now we call it the Civil War, like we own the title or something...
If you're not Black Cat, then I'm done. But first -- The Olsen Twins: Good? Evil? Or part of the elaborate C.I.A. plot?
I don't them. I don't need to. I know who I am. In T-Ray's mixed-up memories--ones that he shared with me--I was wearing my Deadpool costume when he found me. But I didn't become Deadpool until after I left Project X--after I got this healing factor to cure my cancer. After my mom dies of cancer when I was a kid. After my dad died in a barfight because of one of my drunken friends. After I'd been kicked out of the army. Which I'd sighed up for as Wade Winston Wilson. Because that's who I am. And anyone who says differently... is just imagining things.
Can you send me forward to the time when I was mowing my lawn and my next door neighbor, Mrs. Nowicki, asked if I could rub lotion on her back and I ran and locked myself in the Bathroom? I'd really like a do-over on that one, please.
"Let's Play." "Game Over." You've got more corn in your one-liners than I have in my poop after the county fair!
Me? I'm Deadpool, "The Merc with a Mouth." Good shots and bad jokes--that's me. You're Wolverine, the berserker wildman of the woods. You're the best at what you do and what you do isn't pretty. Now, that means you kill people, right? Right? That's you.
Answer me something, Egghead. Was it just because I have an accelerated healing factor that I was able to take down an entire unit of Skrulls -- including Chilly McHotpants over here?
Now this chair is really comfortable. Yeah. But can it Explode?! Didn't think so.
What do I do? Stinky Fish Head and Huey Lewis are holding my lady friend hostage and I only have two bullets left! How in the world am I going to use these conveniently placed Christmas decorations to save her?
Yeah. That is a gun in my pants. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy to see you...
Sh-shot through the heart... AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! Awww, you give love -- a bad name! Daww dawww dada dada dawww dawwww.
Bring me more Pop Rocks and Dr. Pepper. Prepare to bathe my monkeys.
You know what? &@#$ tacos. And waiting. Damn you, Bullseye...damn you for making me hurt the ones I love. This time, it's personal. This time...it's for the tacos.
You mean Tomb? No worries there -- he's been taken to the po-po by some buddies of mine. He's about to do some serious time. I'm talkin' "wearing-a-dress" time.
You're looking at the chihuahua, right? Sometimes I go too far, I'm the first to admit it.
UGH! That was awful...all my thoughts strung together so dreadfully dull and plodding...like some glacially moving freight train of suck! My God...that must be what it's like...to be a total loser like you!
You know something? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Oh, man. He sure is talking a lot. Got to stay...focused. Boring speech causing...attention...to wane. Yeah, tacos sound good. I like the soft chicken tacos.
BREAKER! BREAKER! This here's the Big Dee Pee! You copy, good buddy? I'm comin' up on your tail! I'm puttin' the hammer down! I'm catchin' you on the flip-side! WE GOT US A CONVOY!
I'll hold your hair back while you puke, cuz that's just the kinda guy I am.
Dude, I had to hack that off to save you from zombie germs. You should totally put me on your Christmas card list.
Hey, Professor Veronica loves me for who I am. She says my scars are a roadmap of a loner's experiences, the rough texture of living!
Attention circus patrons! I have come from another dimension to take your daredevil pooch. He is needed to save many worlds. I know his adventurous spirit is up for the task. Also, I have a crapload of liver treats in my pocket.
Duh! Paper or plastic? Hellooo? You have any idea what plastic bags do to the environment? I'm Al Gore's message of death, bee-yotch!
Deadpools Assemble! No. Wait. That's been done. Huh. What could we call ourselves? What could a corps of Deadpools call a bunch of Deadpools that are all Deadpool at our core? Hmmmmmmmm.
So you know now. He's an evil man. Petting-a-white-cat evil.
Hulkpool love it when a plan come together! Him and Bob go back in time...to kill Deadpool dead!!!
Monstertown. It's like a steampunk shantytown for every nightmare I ever had as a kid.
So we steal some transport, hit the swamp, subdue the alterna-verse zombie version of myself, reunite Shorty with his body, avoid Man-Thing, then hop through the portal and hope it's not on the fritz. What could go wrong?
Tell your partner in crime over there in the truck to come on out. So I can multi-smite.
This guy's got to be rare, and I'm a friend of the earth...so I'll tranq him, and take him to a brilliant zoologist somewhere who can teach him to eat fruit and chill. ...Maybe learn sign language and get a kitten.
Hey, check it out -- they had a bomb in there! So I used it to bomb their asses! Who's the man?
Wow, you look... really hot with that gun. Wanna go get some tacos with me after I finish killing the rest of these Draculas?
... Just a great big bag of shiny new gold coins. With a dusty claymore in the bottom of it.
By the power of gray sku-- No. Damn it. How do you activate this stupid--
We sort of glazed over something here...this Life Seed, it'll kill him? Are we talking about killing Warren?
So! Logan -- Wolverine -- Weapon letter-x-or-is-it-number-ten?! You have returned to resume our endless battle!
Well...okay, yeah--maybe sometime parts of me are good but there are, like... other parts of me that're, umm...
He's not punking me! Okay... he punked me a little bit. But c'mon! How'm I supposed to do my thing when he's already doin' my thing!
O.C.D. -- what was I sayin'? Did you see me displayin' the skills that get the kills for those who're payin' me? Oh, you don't know? See, I'm so good it's freakin' scary! Dealin' out death, the world's greatest mercenary! Huh! Good thing you happened to come across this particular edition -- it's full of information that you're missin', dide! Like what I've endured to provide the audience with entertainment! Listen as I deftly explain it:
Goblins, Trolls and Minotaurs -- oh my! So, this was the angry Elf's idea, but he gets to stay behind? "Oh, we should do the right thing, be good boys, take down the evil Goat!"
Just so you know? This was all my plan, not yours. I used you. You gave me exactly what I wanted. I wanna die.
Look, for what it's worth, I always hated you. You are a boring, two-dimensional, self-serious relic from the '70s. Oh, and Chuck Brownson called-- he wants everything he ever did back.
Looks like that's a "No." Or maybe he does understand, but he doesn't give a &*%. Hmmm... nah, gonna stick with "Doesn't understand." He is, after all, a monkey.
Hi, I've got problems with ghosts but I don't know who to call. Sorry, I'm nervous... I haven't seen a doctor in years.
♫ Deadpool-Man! Deadpool-Man! Does whatever Deadpool can! ♫ Makes a plan, any size, catches thieves and makes them die. ♫ Look out! ♫ There goes the Deadpool-Man! ♫
Yeesh. Is there another Clone Saga going on or something? You've really lost your biting wit, Spidey.
I don't see The Watcher anywhere, let's assume that nothing important happened. That's always my guide. "No Watcher, no problem."
Come on down, Butler! I'm not a guinea pig anymore! I won't go back! Come on! Get some!
This is important! One of them could be my daughter! Please don't let Eleanor be here. Please. Please. Don't be in here.
Believe it or not, there are worse-tasting parts of me.
Okey-dokey. Usually people hire me to kill someone else.
You should know I'm undefeated against opponents with nose rings.
I don't know what you did to me, but keep your lips to yourself, woman. Or you're gonna make me do something I regret. And that's my job.
What a weird day. I'm having fun, and I haven't killed anybody.
Listen, babe, I know we haven't known each other that long, but if there's one thing you don't have to school me on -- it's vampire hobos!
Snakes are nature's Swiss Army knives of murder. You can use them to bite, you can milk the venom out, or in a pinch you can strangle with them! Order your deadly snakes today! Offer not valid in Utah!
I'll come back... When I do, things will have to be different. Better. Things will be better. They'll have to be.
And they lived happily ever after, until a retcon do they part...
Woo-boy! Looks like some dismembered body is getting an upgrade! Four symbiotes! Four big honkin' hankerings to waste Carnage! And here I though split personalities were fun before!
That is dumb. And Spider-Man is a champion against dumb! Am I? Let's see, fat guy in a rhino outfit, old man with wings, a variety of goblins, sand that is a person, water that is a person, octopus doctor...I am a champion against dumb!
So far marriage is pretty awesome, and the new crib is like living in a Tim Burton movie.
I think what they're trying to say is... If you strike me down... I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. And also... I am your father.
C'mere Summer Stage. I maybe would have let you cut my other arm off. But when you start threatening to cut my wife up -- then it gets personal.
I know he's scared. He's not the only one. This whole crazy event did a number one me... all that peace I felt is gone. I ruin it because I can. Because it's easy. I've fought for Preston. For the Camachos. I've fought for my friends. I've tried to make these people not just safe, but happy. I didn't go looking for these people. They walked into my life. And now imbalance is restored. I've fought for the happiness of everyone around me. I've been willing to die for that happiness. I now realize I've never experienced happiness. I put on a good show, but... I simply don't know the meaning of the word. ...and I never will.
Hey, Barton! This is how you use a Sky-Cycle! For drive-bys on penthouses! For soaring majestically over this beautiful, filthy city! And for saving your friends!
Please welcome the "Magic Mike" of the Weapon-X program, the "Alabaster Bastard," the man that's always whipping it out-- Omega Red!
I give myself over to this end. I am safe in love. I can live with this finale. If I'm going out, at least I'm taking everyone with me.
Back in 1984, all the big heroes were taken to space for a SECRET WAR – and here's what REALLY happened!
You! You're loving this I bet! You just love that you're the only one with a cool shield, don't you?! Well... you can take that red, white, and blue monstrosity of yours... and shove it straight up your --
Yeah... well... I actually brought you here to maybe heal Mr. Fantastic or even the Hulk... some one with the smarts to think our way out of this... but I guess you're more concerned with your big dumb boy toy. Smoking hot... heroically posed... making the ultimate sacrifice... and I'm still chopped liver to the guy made out of metal.
Did you hear that? He called me an Avenger! I kind of feel like if Dr. Doom calls you an Avenger, you're pretty much an official member of the team!
My people will ask you to sign a non-disclosure agreement. You must never divulge that I worked for free.
Time's up! Yes, I said that. I stand by it too.
Y'know, Nate, all four of your fans are going to be very disappointed with this chapter... but at least I know how to give my Chimichangettes what they want!
I've lost my edge. If anything tells you how off-balance I am, it's the simple fact that I'm unarmed. I gave the Mercs everything I could. I'm giving the Avengers everything else. I lost my family and maybe my wife, Whatsherface. I didn't leave enough time for me. I guess that's why I didn't realize until right now... that someone close is playing with me.
It's a time-jumping psycho bunny who needs a villain name. Split Second. I just came up with that. Again.
Oooh, Deadpool, why do you have so many pouches? They're useless... blah, blah, blah -- jumper cables, baby! Link his temporal harness to mine -- give it a power boost -- and depending on how many pages are left in this story, that should be enough to... get us back to where all this started!
I like forbidden, possibly contagious fruit as much as the next guy... but the contract specifically said not to open the crate. Let's wrap it up and make our delivery.
Okay, hand -- if you can hear me, make a fist. We have a lot of people to punch today. Yes! Crap. I'm talking to myself again.
Great! Communication! Okay, just three things! A) Do you think A-Force monitor duty is pants-optional? 2) If you secretly sniffed Doop when he was asleep once, do you need to go to confession? Annnnnd... is your boss Peter Parker an evil genius or just an evil villain? Mostly that last one.
Ignorance is my copilot. It's time to cash in on these ill-gotten gains of ours. And what better way to pick the pockets of all these greedy little villains... than an auction?
Hey, kids! Sing with me! ♫ The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round. ♫ My fists #$& up Sabertooth's face: pound, pound, pound. ♫ Pound pound pound. ♫ Cats go meow meow meow? ♫ Uh. Don't be a Deadpool, stay in school!
I can't keep looking backwards. I'll waste my life. I have too much to look forward to.
You guys should really take a break from all your carnage and mayhem... and come take a look at all this carnage and mayhem!
There are some... uh, I dunno what you would call them -- magic-eating robots attacking Shiklah's Monster Metropolis.
That's my super-power. I'm a pick a path to adventure where every choice ends up in tragedy.
You were a fool, Spider-Man! By grafting me to this horse, you've made me stronger, faster, and more powerful that I ever dared dream!
I didn't get my tonsils out! You don't get credit for bringing me to the hospital when it's your fault I'm here! We were supposed to have each other's backs, and you didn't have mine. And you forgot a spoon.
♫ "Just sit right back... you'll hear a tale... a tale of a fateful trip..." ♫ Be honest with me, Scott. Ginger or Mary Ann?
I probably deserve that. If not for today, then something else. Anything else. Everything else. I deserve whatever bad comes my way.
I think I'm in over my head. And theirs. Why don't you put down the frying pan and help me catch the bad guy?
Everybody who hangs out with me ends up getting headless.
I'm sure a real hero would have something profound to say to you to make you feel better instantly, but... I'm all you got.
I've got all these new abilities, and -- for the moment -- I'm feeling an incredible sense of responsibility... and the desire to commit acts of great violence! My super hero origin is complete!
You're like a girl version of that old Spidey villain, right? I ask because... You know... If there are more girl Spidey-villains, I have this great idea for a Sinister Six calendar.
Maybe one day we'll meet again... when you're not hung up on somebody else... and I'm not being hunted for sport!
Magic-boy, I don't think you understand this writing comic book stuff! Once you are within the universe you have to follow the rules you've set up!
I'm feeling a little emotionally vulnerable after the Unity Squad imploded, and financially insecure after the Deadpool merchandise slowed down. But I'm trying to keep my chin up.
Hey, pal. You look a little lost... like maybe you need a friend. Don't worry... I'm not talking about me. Sooner or later, I rub everybody the wrong way. But... you never know. You might find what you're looking for inside.
Funny story, Shiklah -- I actually have been hiding from you -- ...and yet here you are... oh, by the way, I shot your lover in the head again.
So you know you're in a comic book. Your own comic book, even. And you think that gives you special protection. What? Because you're popular? Well, I've never heard of you. Your name is Gwen? I guarantee anyone who doesn't read this thinks you're Gwen Stacy. Do you know who's heard of me?! Everyone.
At the end of the day, this is a Deadpool problem. There's only one way to deal with those. And it looks a lot like this.
If I'm going to be serious from now on, I'm going to need a new gimmick, like a gnarly eyepatch, or a fake limp, or a talking Chia Pet.
⚞SIGH⚟ Sorry, kid, your life is precious... because if I save you, then I can stick it in Logan's stupid hairy face forever.
Rocks beat paper, Screwball. And more importantly, WMDs beat paper. C'mon. Let's go sell these toys to the highest bidder! Daddy needs some new stuffed animals!
Did you forget the part where they tested her for weapons manufacturing?! If you think I'm going to leave her here, you're more senile than I already thought you were. And I'm crazy!
Well. That shut me up. You're right, of course. And I would probably even date Gambit, but I wouldn't want to make it weird between you and me.
I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but between the enslaved drones upstairs and the Fifty Shades of Grey training room, I'm starting to suspect that S.H.I.E.L.D. might be bad.
I want you to know, I don't just blame you. I also blame me. I should have known better than to trust you as much as I did.
The names's Pool... Deadpool. I'm here to gamble too, except I hate leaving anything to chance so I'm going to just take 20 million out of the cage and gamble that I don't have to kill anybody. And if I have to kill anybody -- I'm killing everybody.
Zzz. Avenger... hungry... twenty bucks... that's... that's not how you Deadpool. I'll show you how to Deadpool! I wanna Fresh Start, too.
It's these small-time petty jobs I'm getting. I'm hazy from the memory wipe, but I know I'm better than mercing out lame extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm Dead-#@%$-pool! I need to let these &#@!$ know I'm back in the merc game, and these pissy little jobs aren't cutting it. I need something... I don't know... bigger.
Y'know... if you've been in the merc game as long as I have, you've probably heard of the Assassins Guild. Big bad cadre of boogymen who kill for money. They put the "ass" in assassin. "But Deadpool," you might say, "you kill for money, too." True... but unlike the guild here, I have a code.
Aaaaaaaah! I get it. Plausible deniability. The Avengers are not hiring me to kill anyone or anything. Wink, wink, am I right?
So, we're good here, right? No need to send me to jail since me and old-fart me totally redeemed ourselves, saved the day, sold a bunch of comics? All's well that ends well, right? Um, plz?
"But despite all of our super-powers, armor, shields, and other various knick-knacks, the only person on Earth who could stop the mega-puke-o-tron was Deadpool. Which is why we hired him to straight up kill Earth's biggest threat. Five stars. Would merc again."
Not sure if you noticed or not, but I was on something of a self-absorbed monologue there. That kind of narcissism is tough to foster outside of social media. Actually -- where's my phone? I should totally tweet about this. #SurroundedByAssassinsButStillKillingIt
We are the lost ones who have found each other, and we will no longer let this wickedness rule Weirdworld!
I'm beginning to suspect my client didn't tell me everything about Jace.
No one has... ever compared me positively to another person before.
It's like I said, B.P., there's a rhythm to these super hero team-ups. First, the small misunderstanding. Then, the big fight (which was a tie by the way). So you'd better patch me up quick. Because we both know what happens in issue Vol 1 3.
I know you're feeling hurt right now, and I can't really explain why none of you got any Christmas gifts this year, but all I can tell you is... yes. I will kill Santa Claus!
You want to give me a gift? Help me get through this next short and end the fever-dream journal this maniac calls a comic!
Let's go see if Silly's intel is correct or if this is some elaborate prank Negasonic is pulling on me.
The names's Pool... Deadpool. I'm here to gamble too, except I hate leaving anything to chance so I'm going to just take 20 million out of the cage and gamble that I don't have to kill anybody. And if I have to kill anybody -- I'm killing everybody.
You know what? Keep the damn thing, you old romantic, you. Who knows, maybe it'll work this time!
This is ridiculous... this guy has snaked six jobs from me in the last two weeks.
Take it from me, the guy they call the Merc with a Mouth... sometimes your best weapon is shutting the &%#$ up so the guy with the healing factor doesn't have time to grow his bones back. Because if that happens... your whole revenge plot is going to last an issue longer than you anticipated.
Right. Okay. First, the fourth wall is the problem. Somehow. Second, the fourth wall used to not be in existence. Until, third, the fourth wall re-appeared... at the same time as the Manipulator. Ergo, the Manipulator... is the fourth wall.
It's these small-time petty jobs I'm getting. I'm hazy from the memory wipe, but I know I'm better than mercing out lame extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm Dead-#@%$-pool! I need to let these &#@!$ know I'm back in the merc game, and these ***** little jobs aren't cutting it. I need something... I don't know... bigger.
You're right. Okay, well, bottom line... she asked me if I'd save the planet by going to Australia and defeating the trolls. I was all like, 'Yeah, sure, I guess. Whatever.'
I'll do what you want, but you gotta do something for me first. Erase my memory again and promise to leave Ellie alone.
I've heard about this kind of immersive therapy before... but to see it in action like this? I really think this is just the kind of thing I need. But I gotta ask... why pick Carnage? He's such a loser. And I'm not really impressed with all this weird added cult crap, either.
So what do you say we skip the Deadpool fighting-the-herd-of-clown-cows scene and go straight to brass tacks. Come on. Pe-ter Quin-cy.
Hey! That was my favorite flamethrower! Had it since grade school. Hell, I even went on to minor in flamethrower in college. Just so you know, though... shooting the $%#& outta repugnant dillbags was my major.
Well, officer, if you have enough evidence that this man assaulted you, submit that to the district attorney, and... I'm sure a jury will find this man guilty. Especially since I'm representing this man.
Hey, welcome back to Chapter two of Deadpool's Vertical Comic Jamboree! All me, all chapter long! (What? That's not true? Oh. What he's in it again? *sigh*
I know, right? Really butt-diving into the MU Handbook for some of these turds. A hundred powers and not one of them can make me a chicken parm sub.
You can hand-le this one for both of us, Deathstrike! Gotta go, infested by a parasite and bleeding to death! Thanks have fun byeeeeeee!
MY NAME IS...LOVEPOOL AND I'M HERE TO HELP YOU GET BOINKED!
Look, I changed my name to Lovepool, but even I know I have to earn that.
I mean, I love my pasta like I love my men, al dente...but this situation is boiling over beyond just limp lasagna.
Many great philosophers have written about love. Simone de Beauvoir. Jean-Paul Sartre. Taylor Swift. And you know what? I think they're all right. Especially Taylor Swift. I feel like she just gets me. Anyway, this time, I think I've finally got it right. If this isn't a love for the ages, it's definitely one for the legal records.
You know what I always say: the best way to get to know someone is to get arrested with them. And so far, it's held true. Flowers? Candlelit dinners? I love that stuff. But you can't argue with holding-cell chemistry. There's something about being confined together in a small space after committing a long list of crimes that just feels... magical. So, yeah, my date with Valentine didn't go as planned. But I wouldn't change a single thing. And we're already planning the next one.
I should have paid more attention during the Atelier's new-assassin orientation, because I have no idea which fancy murderer you are. Someone with illusion magic, projection powers or a very convincing 3D golem printer?
They say life comes at you fast. (Whoever "they" are.) And as far as I can tell, that's true. When I auditioned for the Atelier, I was hoping to score gainful employment, a family of wacky assassins and a date with a certified cutie. Turns out, sometimes an assassin family is a man, his nonbinary bae with needle hands and horns, a salty auntie and their gigantic, meaty dog. I don't know what the future holds. But honestly? I'm ready for it.
But do you know why everyone is so obsessed with the Multiverse right now? Do you know why it's all the rage? Because... I have a theory.
I love piracy, in all its forms. Avast, matey! Arrrr!
The rat swimming in our water cooler isn't gonna feed itself. I think the best thing for productivity is to get some money in the bank and deal with these guys in issue three or four.
My healing factor--distilled from your healing factor... blessing and a curse. Kept me from dying of cancer... but it also kept me from dying of cancer. Delta didn't bother trying to mess with the healing part... lost cause. He supercharged the cancer. Ten thousand times more virulent... voila. Mortality. The worst parts of me will die, so that... maybe, the better parts'll get @&#% done. I traded time for purpose... and then I screwed it up.
What is this feeling? Is this you realizin' the stakes are high? No... that's not it. I'm not... healing... I know it. The feeling I'm feeling. It's fear.
I call it TWOLEPATHY. We share a nervous system, so we share thoughts. It's science-magic. Shut up. TL;DR--you're royally @&#%@# up. Genetics. Upbringing. Not enough fiber--whatever it is, you got it. So does EVERYONE else on planet @%#$ed... but some mega-douche in a suit doesn't get to decree that we're BROKEN... and he sure as @#%@ couldn't FIX us if we were. That's on US. Fall short. Pass out. Wake up. TRY TO BE BETTER. Repeat, repeat, repeat. That's all we can do... and I don't know ANYONE who's fought as hard to do the work of being a MAN as you have... you're a world-class bastard, yeah... but a good @$#%&@# man. No one decides we're monsters but us.
See, Cordyceps Jones... he's alien. He's not like you and me. You ever hear about that fungus that takes over ants? It starts out as a spore on the breeze... then it gets into an ant, and it lodges in his teeny tiny little brain. And it grows. And while it's growing, it makes Mr. Ant climb -- higher, right to the top of the nearest plant. Where the fungus can spore again. Doesn't end too well for the ant. And that Cordyceps. He's not a humanoid -- he's a spore. A fungus, taking over host bodies and making them climb, right to the top.
This numbnut calling himself the Human Adaptoid hates all superhumans. So what does he do? He gives himself the powers of one hundred bad guys-- --including the perpetuar cellular regeneration (taken from the gonads of yours truly) to help his body handle all the machismo.
You're like a girl version of that old Spidey villain, right? I ask because... You know... If there are more girl Spidey-villains, I have this great idea for a Sinister Six calendar.
Dude--No one liked En Sabah Nur! But everyone loves Evan! Evan's that hope that we can all be better. That no matter where we come from, no matter how bad it was or what people expect us to be--nurture can beat nature.
His name is Hit-Monkey. He's a hitman. Who's a monkey. You don't believe me. Look around you, dude -- he's real.
I am confused by you morally, psychologically and hormonally. A perfect mind-$%@# trifecta.
Hey, If you looked Ryan Reynolds crossed with a Shar-Pei you'd understand!
Man... I'll never look at a nun with anything but fear in my heart from now on...
All that peace I felt is gone. I ruin it because I can. Because it's easy. I've fought for Preston. For the Camachos. I've fought for my friends. I've tried to make these people not just safe, but happy. I didn't go looking for these people. They walked into my life. And now the imbalance is restored. I've fought for the happiness of everyone around me. I've been willing to die for that happiness. I now realize I've never experienced happiness. I put on a good show... I simply don't know the meaning of the word... And I never will.
Are you guys seriously a video about this? Everything you need to know is in the story title: Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe! It doesn't get anymore TR;DR than that.
| Siryn | Can ye just shut up for one moment!?! |
| Deadpool | ...at this point, anything's possible... |
| Deadpool | Aw, don't go away mad! I'm learning to be a hero! Teach me Obi-Wan Rand! Show me the ways of the farce! |
| Luke Cage | I'm blaming you, Fist. Hammond hired this fool t'get back at you for not telling him about K'un Lun and now we all have to pay! |
| Deadpool | Luke! Luke! Trust your feelings, Luke! Don't be seduced by the dark side! |
| Bullseye | Deadpoool, Deadpool, Deadpool...how long has it been? |
| Deadpool | Issue sixteen, Greece...What's up, Bullseye? |
| Deadpool | Was that a dive, or was that a dive?! |
| Daredevil | If so--consider me the East German judge! |
| Deadpool | Plagiarist! Oblique, obscure, irreverent and irrelevent references are my trademarked shtick! |
| Daredevil | Only if they're properly published in the federal register. |
| Deadpool | Poltroon! Pedant! you try to trump Deadpool on a legal technicality? And a pretty good one, too. |
| Wizard | I am -- the Wizard. |
| Wade Wilson | Sorry. Nothing. The Wizard ovvv --? |
| Wizard | From the Frightful Four, you dolt. |
| Wade Wilson | The Paste Guy! The Paste Guy! |
| Wizard | No. I'm not "the Paste Guy." That would be my esteemed colleague, the Trapster, |
| Wolverine | Howdy 'pool. How's it hangin'? |
| Deadpool | Great. So now you're a comedian. |
| Cable | Wade... only thing that can help me is your blood. Only thing that can help you is mine. |
| Deadpool | We're not gonna haveta kiss or anythin'... are we? |
| Deadpool | Once and X-Man, always an X-Man! |
| Hank | You're not an X-Man. |
| Deadpool | Us muties got to stick together, right? Sometimes literally. I ever tell you 'bout the time I ran into Tar Baby in the sewer system? |
| Hank | You're not a mutant, either. |
| Weasel | What happened to Agent X-- Oh. Oh... You spelled out "Hi, Weasel" with his intestines. |
| Deadpool | I knew you'd peek. |
| Cannonball | ...if even Spider-Man could be corrupted... |
| Deadpool | Hey don't give that guy too much credit. He was gonna suck the marrow out of my bones. |
| Sinister | Forgive me, I don't get many visitors. |
| Deadpool | Well, what with the white face and all... |
| Cable | For hundreds of years, mutants fought for equality, humans for survival of their species. Hundreds more as the last vestiges of humanity fought us for freedom. Hundreds more as mutants fought each other... |
| Deadpool | But what for? |
| Cable | for equality... for survival... for freedom... |
| Deadpool | Sounds like an elephant walk. |
| Cable | The snake eating its own tail. |
| Spider-Man | You should be scared of me, Deadpool. |
| Deadpool | But you were so adorable in your movies, Tobey Maguire-teary doe-eyes, disheveled hope and that sweet lisp... |
| Citizen V | This is absurd! You idiot! I want Cable in power--why are we still hitting each other? |
| Citizen V | Well? |
| Deadpool | I don't know how to answer you! |
| Citizen V | So you just keep fighting? |
| Deadpool | I was hoping you'd forget you asked the question! |
| Citizen V | Enough, then. I'm done. |
| Deadpool | Hah! Gotcha then! I win. Okay. What did I just win? |
| Cable | Wade... |
| Deadpool | Do not say thank you. Do not say you're proud of me. Do not say good-bye. |
| Cable | Your zipper is down. (Deadpool looks down.) Made you look. |
| Deadpool | You are so immature... |
| Deadpool | Come to think of it, isn't the whole alien underoos thing your schtick? |
| Spider-Man | It's a race of alien symbiotes--they bond to a host like chest hair to David Hasslefoff. |
| Deadpool | See, even your pithy references have been time-twisted! I'm so confused! |
| Spider-Man | You're confused? What are you babbling about? |
| Deadpool | Forget it, okay. Symbiotic-covered dinosaur. What kinda powers we looking at here? |
| Spider-Man | Super-speed. Strength. Agility. Indestructibility. Fire bothers them. Sonics really ring their bell. |
| Deapool | Sonics? We could make them listen to the Jonas Brothers. That's pretty painful. Prob'ly the ASPCA would get on my case if I did that... |
| Wolverine | Heh Heh Heh. |
| Deadpool | Ah, crap. I really needed those. |
| Tiger Shark | Dammit! I suck with this thing! |
| Deadpool | Yeah, you do. And...you have dolphin teeth. |
| Deadpool | No way! You know how much I could get for a real Iron Man breast plate on eBay? Let's just use the time to come up with more jokes about Osborn's hair, okay? |
| Deadpool's inner voice | It looks like it was grown in a Petri dish. |
| Deadpool | Haw! Nice one! His hairline isn't receding-- it's running away from his face! |
| Norman Osborn | Who the hell is he talking to..? |
| Deadpool | That boy's got a doo-doo head! |
| Spider-Man | My mother's dead. |
| Deadpool | Dead of Embarrassment because her son went to the barber to get his palms shaved after he shot webbing all over her couch. |
| Spider-Man | Your mother is so ugly that a Skrull tried to copy her during the invasion and died...of ugly. |
| Deadpool | Your mother's so stupid she tried to get bailout money so she could afford to pay attention. |
| Spider-Man | Your mother's so stupid she thinks Cheerios are donut seeds. |
| Deadpool | Your mother's so fat, Hank Pym had to beat her up in the back of a Quinjet. |
| Spider-Man | And your mother's so ugly--she made this! (pulls off Deadpool's mask) |
| Deadpool | Foul! Foul!!! That was low. Really low. You leave me no choice...but to hit you the mutha of all yo' mutha jokes! Yo' Mamma-Geddon. I busted this one out in the fourth grade. Reduced a gym teacher...a Marine...into a quivering mess of jelly. He never taught again. The second time. In eighth. A girl's pancreas ruptured. She never taught to begin with. And now she can't eat sugar either. I spent the rest of my life refining this crack...Hand-crafting each word...Distilling it into the single most devastating diss ever uttered. I sold it to the Mossad Training Corps...Though I admit, it doesn't work the same in Hebrew. People just bite off their own tongues. But in English. The three people that heard it were so shattered they all died within twenty-four hours...Dehydration from crying. That's a lot of tears, bro. |
| Spider-Man | Bring it, Wade. |
| Deadpool | Your mama--BDEET! BDEET! Ahhhh. That's a wrap. Man, I can't believe I almost hit you with the Yo' Mamma-Geddon. |
| Cyclops | I don't know what to say... |
| Deadpool | No thanks necessary-- |
| Cyclops | ...other than "get the Hell outta here and don't come back." |
| Deadpool | His name is Hit-Monkey. He's a hitman. Who's a monkey. You don't believe me. |
| Spider-Man | Of course I don't. |
| Deadpool | Shorty, put this through the tactical computer. How long can we last in a firefight against all those ships? |
| Headpool | .03 seconds. |
| Deadpool | Signal our surrender. |
| Deadpool | Sorry for the delay. I was kissing my girlfriend goodbye. You know how it is with girlfriends. I sure hope I don't get obliterated on this mission, so I can see my girlfriend again. I have a girlfriend. |
| Kidpool | Congratulations on your cooties. |
| Ghost Rider | Look into my eyes, Wade Wilson...and feel the pain of penance long overdue. |
| Deadpool | What...the #$%& are you talkin' about?! |
| Ghost Rider | My penance stare will reveal all of your past sins to you. You will see through the eyes of those you have wronged, those you have destroyed. |
| Deadpool | Heh...so, like a highlight reel? |
| Ghost Rider | Yes. |
| Deadpool | Well, what're you waitin' for? Roll the #$&%#& tape. |
| Deadpool | Man, this is freakin' my #&$% out... |
| Deadpool's Inner Voice | What, touchin' 'em?. We touch ourself all the time! |
| Deadpool | I know, but... I dunno. I just hate it. |
| Deadpool's Inner Voice | Well, that makes sense... |
| Deadpool | It does? |
| Deadpool's Inner Voice | Oh yeah. Makes perfect sense, actually. |
| Deadpool | Why? |
| Deadpool's Inner Voice | Because we hate ourself. |
| Deadpool | Yeah, I guess that does make sense. That's probably why I hated Whitby so much: she was trying to be just like me! |
| Deadpool | Is that my apology?! |
| Wolverine | It's as close as yer gonna get. |
| Deadpool | Okay. Well, this is as close as I'm gonna get to accept it. |
| Taskmaster | You want me to do... what? |
| Deadpool | Train me. |
| Taskmaster | Train you to... |
| Deadpool | To do what I do. |
| Taskmaster | That doesn't make any sense |
| Deadpool | Uh, hello? Look who you're talkin' to! |
| Deadpool | The.. The s-serum... |
| Evil Deadpool | Didn't work |
| Deadpool | I might have missed you. |
| Fantomex | I might have missed you as well. But I was dead and couldn't. But I might have if I could. |
| Ronald Reagan zombie | In my day we had handsome heroes like Mr. Fantastic, and lady She-Hulk. Whatever happened to matinee idols like Captain Marvel? |
| Deadpool | He got cancer so I stopped reading his book. But I started again now that he's a super-hot chick. |
| Wade | They're gonna be really pissed off. |
| Preston | Good. |
| Captain America | Your camp has fallen. I urge you to surrender. You don't need to die tonight. |
| Wolverine | I urge you not to listen to Cap and keep fightin'! |
| Deadpool | Uh, I haven't prepared any remarks, so why don't you just do what your heart tells you? |
| Deadpool | Hey, how anatomically correct are Life Model Decoys? |
| Preston | What? Why would you even think that? |
| Preston | ... |
| Preston | Crap. Everything better be right where it was. |
| Deadpool | Preston is pissed at you. |
| Agent Adsit | My arm is broken. |
| Deadpool | Her neck was snapped. |
| Agent Adsit | It's not the same. I bet her neck didn't hurt after she died. |
| Deadpool | You impress me, Fury. I didn't think you would want to stage Hitler's body like he was another Black Dahlia to cover our tracks. |
| Nick Fury | ...I'm not thinking that, you freak. |
| Carnage | Who the hell do you think you are? |
| Deadpool | Me? I'm Deadpool... The merc with the purdy mouth. |
| Deadpool | I feel nervous. |
| Shiklah | Are you happy? |
| Deadpool | Yes, that's why I feel nervous. I don't get too many happy endings. That's not a euphemismmph! For one night, everything in the world was perfect. |
| Carnage | Let's do this thing! Carnage vs. Deadpool! Round two! |
| Deadpool | I think you mean "Deadpool vs. Carnage." |
| Joshua Utler | I promised my brother I would protect Ellie from you... but I realized he was the bigger threat to her. I kept her safe from this #$%& world... now that's your job. I hope my brother was wrong about you. On your life, do you promise to... |
| Deadpool | On my life, I'll protect her. |
| Deadpool | Sorry about Logan. |
| Ororo Munroe | What about him? |
| Deadpool | Whoops, spoilers! Nevermind. Eh. He'll be back. |
| Hawkeye | Ow. Dammit! My head is killing me. Be more careful, not everyone has non-stop regeneration! |
| Deadpool | Didn't you get sucked into a jet engine one time? |
| Hawkeye | That was totally different! |
| Deadpool | Use your ears and your brain for just a moment. You think I killed your family. I did not. I don't know why I care so much that you believe me, but I do. Actually, I do know why I want you to believe me. We're a lot alike. They poked us, they prodded us, and they turned us into animals for their own designs. I know how confusing it is to live with the garbage they put in your head. Everything changed for me after I made the realization that I wasn't the animal. The doctors that made us are the animals. |
| Omega Red | Why... why are you trying to help me? |
| Deadpool | Because I had help, too. I was made to realize that we're not responsible for the power they gave us, but we damn well better be responsible for how we use it. I used it to spend my life making innocent people pay for what was done to me. I didn't want to live like that anymore. |
| Rogue | First Johnny flies away, and then Quicksilver runs off. Rogers asked me to quarterback this squad. Would they treat him like this? Is it 'cause I'm a woman? |
| Deadpool | Let's not jump to any conclusions. Maybe it's because you're a mutant? |
| Rogue | HA! |
| Doctor Voodoo | Not helping, Deadpool. |
| Deadpool | That's my mutant power -- not helping. |
| Deadpool | I've never felt so good in my life. You did that for me. |
| Spider-Man | Feeling's mutual. And P.S., I didn't do much. You just finally got it through your thick skull... you're a good guy. Good guys stick together. Nothing's gonna change that. |
| Hawkeye | We were trying to help you, Wade. |
| Deadpool | I know. That's why neither of you is going to the hospital. |
| Hawkeye | We were trying to help you, Wade. |
| Deadpool | I know. That's why neither of you is going to the hospital. |
| Deadpool | So...what makes you think Krakoa is going to let us in? In my experience, the island gets pretty picky about who gets to walk across its butt. |
| Juggernaut | With good reason. |
| Deadpool | Yeah, I guess. Just would be kinda nice to merit, y'know...? |
| Juggernaut | Yeah. I know. |
| Kraven the Hunter | I want you to tell me everything about Krakoa. |
| Deadpool | The sand is sandy. The water is wet. The trees have eyeballs. The drinks are free. Everybody is boning everybody. I still have no clue what the bathroom situation is there, but I once pooped on the ground and a flower grew. |
| Deadpool | You... you set this all up! The audition, failing the audition, being hunted by a high-school-student-council-style gauntlet of anime assassins--you planned everything out so I'd have to fight the final boss for you! |
| Valentine Vuong | I didn't expect the dog! |
| Deadpool | That's because no one does! |
| Valentine Vuong | And I didn't expect you to be so-- |
| Deadpool | So what?! |
| Valentine Vuong | --so easy to fall in love with, okay?! |
| Venom | The power to change reality... |
| Deadpool | ... lifetime theme park tickets and a new toy for Princess... |
| Venom | That's mine! |
| Deadpool | That's mine! |
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Savage Land
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