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Story of Another Soul

by Huda Fadlelmawla with Reuben Lewis

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1.
All I know is who I am at this very moment and how I feel at this very second. My past has a way of not ever wanting to be forgotten, so I leave a little room in albums for it to exist so it doesn't take over my future. Who I am continues to be written, and I guess there's some freedom in that. When people ask you about yourself, do you offer them who you are, who you wish you were, who you used to be or who the world sees? When people ask you about what makes you happy, do you tell them about the little moments, like booster shots when your depression is at an all time peak, or the thing that reminds you that you are important every day? Like breath. Do you tell them about the compliments from a stranger, the hugs from a loved one, or the time that you fell in love so deeply you thought you were drowning in an ocean that you would be willing to die in. When people ask you to tell them about yourself, do you tell them about the first time you looked yourself in the mirror after crying and didn't recognise yourself. Or the first time you knew that hope can fade and come back, or the first time you looked into a child's eyes and saw that sparkle that you could swear cannot be dimmed by anything. The first time you took them to the playground and they acted like they discovered a kingdom, you watched them imagine something and act like if it was real. Do you tell them how you envy that children are willing to just do it with no second thought. Do you tell them about the first time your home became a cage and you were an animal. Or the first time you figured out that this cage had a door that was wide open the whole time, and you willingly went in to protect yourself because this cage was far more predictable than the world outside of it.
2.
Break 06:26
I don't know when my hands became a resting bay for broken people, but I have suffered too many cuts and open wounds to keep doing this. I don't know when I became the nurse to people who didn't want to be nursed. I don't know when I started offering my body as shelter for those people who just needed a pit stop. That they didn't come here to be healed, to be fixed or to love or to be loved. They came for a break. For their humanity to be validated. I don't know when I started cleaning all wounds, stitching them up and whispering prayers so that these scars would heal. I don't know when I started offering the inside of my ribs by splitting my chest open and allowing people to live inside of them while they drop pieces of their broken glass all over my insides, instead of me having water inside of me it became other people's pain and blood and I started to breathe out hot air in a form of pain that isn't even my own. I turned myself into the protector of those who don't want protection, they just want to break. My love to them was a sticker. It was a moment. A fleeting instant that reminded them that they are worthy of some type of love. That my arms have become tired and my shoulders have sunk from carrying worn our bodies to be in recovery mode. That I'm tired of loving people so hard that I no longer even like myself. I'm tired of mothering a generation of people who have their own mothers. Of offering myself, an exchange for validation and visibility to be seen. Sometimes your purpose is to serve the world with honesty. Sometimes your purpose starts by being able to deliver everything you are giving to the world for free to yourself. And that is hard because no one wants people to be selfish. We want people to be selfless. We want people to be empty, have no sense of self so that they can give everything that they are and become nothing but a shell. That we become skeletons tattooed with other people's stories and our hollow bones are dancing grounds for people trying to find their footing. No one wants you to be self full. No one wants your glass full. No wants you fully watered and fully seeded. They want you half ass so they can take some and tell you good job for offering what little you have. But when they're good and heal. Nobody looks back because we're told to never look back, to keep moving forward. No matter what you've left behind, it's behind, right? I don't know when my hands became a resting bay in hospitals for broken people. I dunno when I've offered my bones and their hollowness to be a home for somebody who's just trying to find their footing. I don't know when I've offered my skin and my flesh for people to dig their teeth into so they can eliminate the rage they feel by drawing blood out of my skin and me offering myself as a place for all their pain and rage to go into. And people wonder why now I'm silent because I am drowning in others voices. I am drowned in others screams and I am heavy with the weight of their bodies. And they found the glow in my eyes and robbed me of it with no thank you in exchange. I don't know when I became that person that convinced myself that my serving of people and serving myself to people that will feast on my life flesh and say, well, you offered, it became my existence. But I'm retiring that job. Because I will feed me, heal me, take care of me, and my corpse will not be your home. That will be my children's thrones and they will thrive in them. You are an invited guest that now has been given an eviction letter. That I don't need your body here to feel complete anymore. That I have too many scars and my bones ache, and my knees hurt, and I am all prayed out for you, and it's your time to go and it's time to learn to pray for you and get on your feet and use your own back and stand straight without me because you can do that. You will do that. I don't know when, but I know when it will end.
3.
I want the way I make you feel to be engraved, even tattooed in the back of your skull. That I want the thought of me to make you smile again. I want every inch of your skin to feel my presence and you remember the warmth that my voice provides you with. That my job was to place myself inside of your chest, knock on your ribs and meet your soul and have a conversation with it. That I will clean your rib cages from all the stains that it's had as your heart struggles to keep up with the collapse of the world. My legacy is a reminder that the way I make you feel is forever. My legacy is still remembering my grandmother who passed away when I was so young that hopes and dreams were just facts to me. That I was convinced I going to be exactly who I said I was. And her legacy was the way she made me feel about me. Whenever I miss her, I go somewhere where I feel again. I go to the ocean and I look to the sky and I swear to you that her first breath was collected in a jaw thrown to the sky and that is how the first cloud was birthed. And you know that feeling of stepping into the forest, that first step of standing on something that has a crackling sound, and you look around and after some time there is this hollow wind. That's her, that moment of hollow sound that feels like it fills up the whole universe. That is her. She is the background noise to my existence. She is a small sunlight in the morning that hits the corner of my eye to make sure that when I awaken, I step into reality that is true of myself. That legacy, that when you become dust, that people will use the soil that you rested inside of to grow a tree. And that will give shelter and shade to a body that's needed your presence, like I needed that hollow wind to remind me she's there, that my legacy is that feeling. It is running all day in the heat to feel the quench of water hit your body. That my legacy, is that every last one of your bones will know what it is like to be touched by me. That your skin will be my breath's playground. That I will find shelter in your rip cage and turn your heartbeat into my music. That my legacy is that even when I am dust and me and soil have become one. That me and my grandmother will be the small sounds that you will notice in silence. That we will remind you what it means to be alive. That your legacy is how you make people feel. Buildings break, photos fade over time and our memories deter. But your body will always know that feeling, always.
4.
The biggest lesson this world has taught me is that when you get the opportunity to be somebody who makes people feel something, be very careful of what you make them feel. And these stories aren't studying cuts like we in surgery rooms. This is an opportunity to pick up that book that I've always loved, that old one with other people's fingerprints and their own tears in the middle. And their smiles that got trapped in when they closed the book shut. I want to make people feel like there is a light that sits inside of them and you are in charge of how big and how bright and how warm is. And this world sometimes is just a big gush of wind. Trying to figure out if it is candle fire or a switch they can turn off. But instead of living your life to protect, just live, just live.
5.
I'm convinced that pain isn't something that happens to you. It's a thing that's always been a part of you. Like I was born with a hole in my chest and everybody is a piece that I'm hoping will fit. That pain reminds me that I'm still alive, that happiness never seems to last long enough, and I'm always trying to stitch open wounds. And when they turn into scars, I want to turn them into a story that will help somebody connect with me. Like I couldn't just allow for the wind to go through this hole. And it might be the way that I learned to breathe again once I've lost faith in the world and I don't know. But I guess the only relationship I've ever had with love is pain comes first. Love relieves you for a few moments, for it to leave, for you to try to find yourself once you feel like you have nothing. And I've been in love. The type of love where a kiss feels like you're seeing a shooting star, hoping that we will stay together forever. Like we held hands like we were finding comfort and home in each other's chest. Like our heart beats have synced to each other like God was singing. I saw hope in his eyes and love that I was convinced was real. And even that had an expiration date that I knew was coming. Instead of attempting to hold on to love, I let go before the date came. And maybe I was selling myself short out of the things I could feel. And maybe I was the one who made the expiration date come because I thought it was coming and it could have lasted forever. But I guess I'll never know because now that story's over, and another one will begin. And I will not find another wandering soul that has cleansed itself with its own tears, and find solace in the forest and use trees for shadows and let the sun kiss them every morning. Bathe themselves out of impurities to be reborn again, to see what the world has in store for them. And me in this soul will exist like we're two instruments and a band and our love is the main singer. That our heartbeats can be the drum and the "I love you" is the saxophone that plays. And we will study each other's scars like they're books, like they're notes before the final exams. And we will find beauty in detail in the way that they bend and their colours change over time. And instead of trying to be each other's bandages, we will be the support we've always desired. But I don't think I can fix you. I don't think I can heal you. What I can do is provide you with shadow in hot days for you to be able to reseal your scars so that that flesh does not open again. And that your body will not find a way to eat at itself because I need you to be whole. And how could you be whole when your body is eating itself? That your body has become a home for everything that wants to rob you out of what you need. But I can't promise you forever because I'm not going to last forever. But these times that we share will be honest. There'll be moments of clarity. We will share stories and silence and find gratitude, and the opportunity to meet. Our love will not be hope or potential. It will be work. It'll be us choosing each other, choosing where we end up with each other. Not turning our rooms into hospital beds where our pain lasts, where we will ignore ourself in each other as we try to sleep away our pain and struggles where we will not have a child as an attempt to glue our relationship together. We will have someone who remind us that even in the midst of a storm, that lightning is a reminder that nothing dark is meant to last forever. That this fascination with looking for the rainbow, and forgetting that it was birthed out of storms and lightning and rain, is a waste of time. Our vacations will be visiting all the places we would find ourself. I would love permission to love you hard enough that even your footsteps are something I study. That I'll know when a new frown line has formed on your face because the stress of the world is getting too much. That instead of just serving a meal as a service of love, I'll serve you patience and humanity and grace. Because I know what it's like when corners of room become your escape and you bury your face and hitting parts of that home where your tears live in your throat and you are choked up by just the idea of telling people how broken you are. I know what it is like when two souls exist just to survive and do that for way too long because somebody will outgrow the survival mode and they would want to live. And sometimes shelter and food and moments of visibility are not worth the pain of being unhappy. I've known homes turned into haunted spaces. Where bricks, hold screams, and pillows are tired of hearing you weep. And windows where you wait for foggy days to write "use me to escape". We would shut all the lights out and there'll be a glimpse from the outside world of lighting that we would study. As we sit on these beds we've convinced ourself our comfortable. I've seen these homes, I lived in them. These hollow moments that people fear are what I desired, where every conversation was a screaming match. I know what silence can do to a wandering soul. I will guide it to the top of the mountain and make it jump. So now I spend every waking moment of my life with as much noise as possible because I don't know what my tired body would do if I got that silence again. I've lived in those homes. There aren't any demons or skeletons in closets. They are cemeteries for grounds, hospital rooms for beds, escape opportunities for windows, and bricks, like vaults of our scream. There is one glass that is always clear no matter what you place in it. And it is a reminder that there is a way out, if you want it.
6.
Dress Ups 05:31
Sometimes my insecurities mask themselves as questions to throw me off, and they show up in a form of a train of thought I get lost in too often. They show up as questions of could I have done more? Could I have been more? Could I have given more, been there more? Was I too much? Too silent? Too insignificant? My insecurity show up as questions because it knows I can't answer them. The answers that I do come up with them have me even more lost in spirals. My insecurities are good at disguising themselves as cosplaying, as logic, dressing up as a plan for action. They show up in a train of thought and a train ride I can't seem to get off that seems so linear because it's questions stacked up on top of question and more questions, and there seems to be never an answer or a right answer that I can turn into an action that would fix the way that I sometimes feel about myself. My insecurities disguise themself as questions like, did you do your best? Did you give your best? And then I spiral into this wind of questions of what's the best? How can I be the best and what is expected of me? And what if people have always thought that I wasn't good enough? And am I just trying too hard? Should I just stop? And in a way, it has made me a really conscious survivor in this world because I know how to calculate any numbers possible and come up with some type of answer to convince me that I'm doing the right thing. And I get lost in these attempts. Like I'm trying to put together a 3000 piece puzzle and figure out what the picture is because there was no clues when I started. All I had was pieces and questions and thoughts and spaces and half-ass conversations and compliments that never land and likes that don't translate to anything and costumes for clothes to mimic a type of confidence that comes and goes. And now I sound like the type of person who knows it all. So people ask me, how did you get so confident? And I tell 'em, it's not this final destination because my insecurities come up as questions and they sound logical. And I've learned how to coat myself in a certain level of self-awareness that makes it look like I know who I am to this full capacity. And I just don't. I'm as incomplete as everybody else. The only thing is I know how to place 'em together well enough that it looks convincing to the world. My insecurities are really good at being logical. I have trained them enough to be constant in my life that I can validate their existence, that this is about self-improvement and polishing things up and being better. But these questions never seem to make me feel better or be better or do better. They just remind me that I can be better, that I should be better. My insecurities are great at dress up. So as a response, I've learned to stop trying to study them, try to figure them out and find answers for them. I've just discovered what the solution is. This is as best as I can be. This is my good. This is my constant. This is my delivery and this is my offering. And I don't know how much better I can be when I can be that. But what I do know for sure is I'm trying, and not for the sake of entertaining my insecurities disguised as questions, because I'll always be trying. I have kissed enough of the wrong person that the inside of my mouth has turned into a museum of memories I would like to forget. But the taste of those so-called lovers will always exist in me. But I've turned my hands into a miniature book full of DNA of other men that told me they would stick around, but all they did was left enough of an impression that I study my hands like old books, figuring out where in history were in wrong, that I've turned my feet into a piece of myself, I don't recognise anymore. There are too many cuts from stepping on glass, on fragile people who didn't even attend to my wounds as I tried to run into the rescue to be the one they needed me to be.
7.
I am fortunate enough to be the person that can tattoo her own truth on the tip of her tongue and turn rooms into a jar full of nothing but the truest parts of our humanity. And I can't promise you answers. I can't even promise you that this will be the same story if you ask me about it a year later. But it is a story right now, and it might be somebody else's story when it is no longer mine. There's a certain level of courage that it takes to say that I am nothing, but everything. And sometimes when I go to these places, I have this one fleeting memory of the small girl that I met when I went back home. And I swear to you, I've never been rich enough to hold a diamond and call it my own. But looking into her eyes, I felt like I was the closest I have ever been to something so valuable. And I knew she had nothing because I knew what nothing looked like. It looked like ripped clothes and street corners turned into homes. It looked like hope and a smile so big you could have thought it was stapled on. She had nothing. A belly inflated with poverty and meals skipped and hands ripped up from picking up pieces from grounds and barefoot. In this world at four years old and I will never forget her. Because I knew her, because I could have been her. Story of another soul with skin like sweet, raw honey and a smile that should have been drawn by an artist. But pain that is so much older than her body. That she has seen parts of the world and it's horrors that you can't even have nightmares about. That your imagination can't even stretch wide enough to see the type of horror she had seen. And I knew her because I could have been her. Holding on to dreams and hopes in the midst of nothing. Offering the world whatever she has left time and time again. Hoping for a meal or a conversation or to be the exception to the rule. I don't know, because I'm not her, but I could have been. And every time I'm seated at these tables, remembering who I'm here for, I think first of my grandmother and my mother and my sister and every woman who came before me. But I think of her because she'll never be the exception. But shouldn't that mean that the rules should change? I won't get to see her across the room and share a smile as she packs to go home and sleep on a bed she chose with a picture on her wall. She's going to be using abandoned buildings for cover and using thunder scorn as a music forever. And all I can do sit in rooms and think of her. Because I am her, but I'm also not. So what I can offer is a seat for another exception, until that becomes the rule. Because I am her, but I'm not.

about

From Tariro Mavondo:

Black women we are hyper sensitive to the injustices of other people. Often we have the capacity to hold space for others but just because we can doesn’t mean we always should. This is the result of Western European epistemological, ontological and axiological civilisation that has cornered us into this shape, this form of hyper vigilance.

In 'Story of Another Soul' Huda the Goddess proclaims she is retiring from this role and it is a powerful act of resistance, disruption and liberation. The hanging up the boots of martyrdom is a very important process because it is the journey of self love, self respect and self knowing.

The conviction and oral dexterity that this wordsmith utters these truth through poetry is deliciously generous and wonderfully showcases her mastery of spoken word. Reuben Lewis’s music is the perfect soundtrack to enter into Huda’s mindscape and interiority of expansive themes, deep as the ocean, and longitudinal like stretches of endless desert.

'Story of Another Soul' is an irresistible and unforgettable album for its irrefutable honesty. It is a profound offering into the poetics of presence and stillness. Inviting the audience to be and to feel moved by the world seen and unseen and to in the spirit of reciprocity move the world from a place of cup overflowing where one’s wellbeing is prioritised first.

The album is a decolonial dreaming of new futures and we get a sense that this exercise is far from futile that it is indeed a necessity for our very existence. It is the love letter, the love dedication to humanity we so needed in these times.

--

Liner notes by Des Cowley:

Words and music. It was September 2017, and I was in London. I remember taking the #34 bus from Hackney, across town, to see the Jean-Michel Basquiat exhibition 'Boom for Real', at the Barbican. The exhibition chronicled Jean-Michel’s associations with Warhol, Keith Haring, Blondie, and the whole early ‘80s No Wave scene at the Mudd Club in New York. But my eye was constantly roaming his canvases, picking up on jazz references: Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, Max Roach, 'Ornithology', 'Kokosolo'. Basquiat was making gestures, name-checking his forbears, like a rapper improvising in word and paint.

Afterwards, I wandered through the exhibition gift shop, which proved a washout. But I came away with a book entitled Jazz Poems, one of those little Everyman pocket editions. On the front cover, was a moody, black & white portrait of John Coltrane, looking straight to camera, his sax resting on his lap. The book contained over a hundred poems by poets celebrating or eulogizing this music, some obvious, others surprising: Langston Hughes, E.E. Cummings, William Carlos Williams, Notozaki Shange, Ted Joans, Amiri Baraka, Frank O’Hara, Thulani Davis. There were numerous poems for and about Billie Holiday, but also Dolphy, Thelonious, Buddy Bolden, Duke, Ornette, Sun Ra, Miles, Sonny, Lester, Bird, and of course ‘Trane. Turning to page 237, I came across Frank O’Hara’s 'The Day Lady Died': “she whispered a song along the keyboard / to Mal Waldron and everyone and I stopped breathing”. It brings you up short.

'Jazz Poems' contains poems about jazz but also poems that are jazz, like Hayden Caruth’s 'The Fantastic Names of Jazz', which is nothing but a list of names – "Cootie Williams, Cab Calloway / Lockjaw Davis, Chippie Hill" spoken rat-a-tat-tat. These poems are meant for the ear, for the rhythms of the body. They are intended as performative, spoken riffs, their words hinged on melodies and chords, freely improvised. Sure, Jack Kerouac’s 'Desolation Angels' can be read on the page, but it can also be spoken aloud: his words turning to energy turning to music, dancing through smoke-filled rooms, fueled by insistent bass grooves, caught on tape: "wailing beer-caps of bottles and jamming on the cash register and everything is going to the beat". Think Jeanne Lee with Jimmy Lyons; Brion Gysin and Steve Lacy; Amiri Baraka with David Murray; Maria Parks with Albert Ayler; Jayne Cortez with the Firesplitters.

Huda Fadlelmawla and Reuben Lewis’s 'Story of Another Soul' exists in dialogue with these poets and musicians, building on tradition, but equally striking out into new territory, their improvisatory cadences existing in the here and now.

Reuben Lewis is no stranger to working with poets, having previously collaborated with Tariro Mavondo on the Australian Art Orchestra’s 'Closed Beginnings'; and with Didem Caia on I Hold the Lion’s Paw single 'This Body is a Compass'. Since re-locating from Canberra to Melbourne, he has staked his claim as one of the city’s finest improvisers and creative musicians, leading his own ensemble, while contributing his unique sound to others. He’s performed in concert halls and artist-run spaces, collaborated with dance projects, here and overseas, and with theatre works. Everywhere, he can be seen crossing boundaries, crossing space.

Of late, he’s been exploring solo performance, an unearthly mix of trumpet and electronics, producing music made from scraps and slivers, heavily-layered, full of ambient textures, brooding and near-glacial in feel. Manifesting itself as slow music, these sounds unfold in real time, an array of improvised patterns fabricated from reverb and silence. Listening to it, you get the feeling he’s spinning stories, making up narratives, toying with strange ambiguity, mysterious and open-ended.

Huda Fadlelmawla, who performs as Huda the Goddess, is an Australian Poetry Slam Champion, and two times Queensland champion. She’s a spoken word poet, educator, dancer, mental health advocate. She speaks from the heart, declamatory and incandescent, sharing stories of herself and her ancestors, transmuting the everyday into the unfamiliar, turning lived experience into art. Her poems are rhythmic dances, burnished and glowering, that arise out of air, restoring poetry to its spoken roots.

Together Huda and Reuben meld words and sounds into new configurations, neither poem nor music, but something else. Fields of electronic pulse and trumpet loops serve to buttress a voice that speaks: "all I know is who I am at this very moment and how I feel in this very second". A poetry that foregrounds instantaneity, that seeks truth in the roots of improvisation, holding faith in the ephemeral.

"Sometimes your purpose is to serve the world with honesty". Huda’s poems are messages and prayers that oscillate between past and future, jostling conflict into harmony and back again. They bleed, they cry, they celebrate. "I have too many scars in my bones". The poem 'That Hollow Wind' calls forth her grandmother, a ghostly presence drawn back from a time when "hopes and dreams were just facts to me". Her grandmother resides in memory and breath and legacy and shelter, summoned anew: "I go to the ocean and I look to the sky and I swear to you her breath was collected in a jar thrown to the sky and that is how the first cloud was birthed".

Reuben’s role is that of sorcerer, creating backdrops and soundscapes, permitting these poems to breathe. Trumpet, pedals, samplers, loops, all combine to forge otherness and mystery, all-the-while mimicking the delicate thrum of the heart, its tranquil rhythms. By way of example: Huda’s poem 'The Type of Love'. An eleven-minute tour de force, a recitation overflowing with tenderness, pain, questions, beginnings, endings: "even in the midst of a storm lightening is a reminder that darkness is not meant to last forever". Everything is twinned. Hope co-exists with its shadowy underside, love flourishes with pain. Reuben’s electronic score bathes Huda’s words in a warm sonic glow; his ambient and otherworldly textures provide shelter, the promise of calm, solace, and reassurance.

By the album’s end, it feels like we’re a long way from my Everyman book of 'Jazz Poems'. But like Frank’s 'The Day Lady Died', it brings you up short. Huda Fadlelmawla’s poems and Reuben Lewis’s finely-etched soundscapes dig deep, mining the dark recesses of the heart. Together they speak, in words and music, so that "our heartbeats can be the drum".

credits

released May 17, 2024

Huda Fadlelmawla — spoken word poetry
Reuben Lewis — composition, trumpet, synthesisers, pedals, electronics

Recorded, mixed & produced by Reuben Lewis
Mastered by Helmut Erler
Liner Notes by Des Cowley and Tariro Mavondo
Artwork and design by Phil Day
Distributed by Gazebo Books

This recording was made possible thanks to the Australian Music Centre MOMENTUM Commissions with support provided by Hendrik Prins, and Life Before Man with support provided by Anthony Mark Day.

Huda and Reuben acknowledge the traditional owners of the lands on which this album was created, the Jagera people and the Turrbal people of Meanjin, and the Wurundjeri Woi-wurrung people of Naarm, and pay their respect to Elders past and present.

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