I feel guilty about past behavior in my college

Question

My relationships with professors is not exactly nice, like the following for example:

1. Nearly a year ago, I asked to collaborate on a project with a prof A over the summer. He suggested we meet after my final exams, which were about three weeks away. However, after finishing my exams, I didn't follow up with him, for reasons I regret. At the very least, I should have written back later on saying I'm turning down his opportunity, but I.. didn't.

2. I once got told I was better off skipping a prof B's classes because I unintentionally disturbed his class. I respect him a lot, so I apologized to him right away after that lecture. It's been almost two years since this happened, however, and I still have difficulty facing him.

3. Around 6 months ago, I once accepted and immediately rejected a credited project opportunity from a prof C, who was clearly very upset about it, but politely told me that what I did was very unprofessional. I apologized, of course, but I still feel terrible about it even now.

4. Recently, my attention span has been poor. I'm unable to focus on lectures for more than 5 minutes, and this leaves me feeling very guilty as I really respect my professors both as individuals and professionals, and not paying attention to them feels like I'm disrespecting them. When I tried bringing this issue up with my family (I trust them the most) they brushed it off saying I was finding excuses to slack off.

The concerned professors may or may not remember these, but I have a guilty conscience when I think of how terrible my behavior has been in the last 3 years I've spent in my college. As someone who was raised with self discipline all my life, the blow I take from losing my edge feels more painful. This is also affecting how I interact with professors in general (both normally and professionally) because if it's:

1. A professor I already know: I simply feel terrible about facing them again.
2. A professor I haven't met before: I'm scared of bringing a wrong impression about myself.

I want to make amends in the last 1-2 years I spend in my college simply because I want to correct my past mistakes and let the profs know I really respect them and I'm not an "irresponsible" student. I don't want to graduate with regrets.

Is there really a way to even slightly change what has happened? Or am I done for because their first impression of me has not been a very good one almost all the time?

Answer 1

This sounds like one of the rare cases where I suggest to actually go to a specialist to find out what's going on and how to fix it. Especially your loss of attention indicates that something is going on that shouldn't. Our mind, like our body, may not always perform as desired, and before you start regretting, find out if there is an underlying problem first and fix it. This may be an extended process.

It's good to show remorse on a mistake made. People make mistakes. The problem is if it's the same or similar mistakes over and over. Since it appears that similar occurrences keep repeating, it's better to fix things first.

An apology on a mistake or misbehaviour is good. An apology on a repeated mistake or misbehaviour is unconvincing and loses its value. In the worst case it looks perfunctory or indicates lack of seriousness (not that I am claiming it's the case for OP, but that's how it can come across).

Therefore I suggest: Fix things going forward, then, if you still feel it is necessary, apologize, if you are still around these people and it's not already forgotten. More importantly, search a way to stop repeating the same mistakes. Make new mistakes, not old.

Answer 2

Is there really a way to even slightly change what has happened?

Obviously not, but given your higher-ups are professionals they will not overreact over what I read as juvenile behavior.

am I done for because their first impression of me has not been a very good one [...]?

No, people who are able to self-reflect are usually met with respect and goodwill (not only in academia).

Answer 3

Your point 4 is the one you should be concerned with and seek professional help to overcome it. Perhaps your university has an office that can provide help. What you experience isn't uncommon at all.

As for the others, you apologized in two cases, which was appropriate and should be enough to put it behind you. I can't analyze point 1, but you might still be able to smooth things over. But you can discuss these with a professional as well, as you are probably over reacting.

I once had a stern conversation with my chief undergraduate mentor who was concerned that I was becoming unfocused. It was uncomfortable for me and I had to agree that he was correct. He later personally got me into a doctoral program. I didn't even need to apply. Undergrads aren't perfect and the faculty usually understands and makes allowances for this.

Answer 4

What stands out in your narrative is your confusion and anxiety around relationships and your own behavior and the recent change in your focus. Not everyone questions their own behavior. Some people are just offensive and either unaware of that fact or don't care about it. Your self-reflection is a positive sign that these problems could be solved by trying to get more understanding of how you interact with people and how they react to you, as well as your recent lack of focus. Have you had similar relationship problems before? Are there stressors in your life that could explain your focus problem? How would you feel about consulting a counselor or therapist? I don't mean to pathologize you, but one thing that comes to mind is autism. High-functioning people with autism are often confused by relationships and have difficulty with focus and task completion.

Answer 5

I suggest writing your professors an email. They might not remember any of the incidents you mentioned, but if it bothers you, then for yourself write an email to each and apologize and tell them how you feel. I suggest you end your email letting them know there is nothing you need from them but the point was to tell them you are sorry for your behavior and letting them know you respect them and how maybe the interaction with them helped you reflect. Please note professors are bombarded with hundreds of emails about research teaching, service, communities engagement and a bunch of other stuff. There is a chance you might not hear from one of them and that has nothing to do with you. I also suggest looking into the cause of the attention span decline and anxiety.

Answer 6

and not paying attention to them feels like I'm disrespecting them.

You are not. If you do not disturb the class (which includes things like your "silent" attitude, e.g. sleeping in class) then they do no tknow and ultimately do not care.

This is a problem you should address quickly, though, because it will pull you down.

Points 1 to 3 are indeed things you should be ashamed of but it seems you are so you are learning (everyone does). They are however already handled so I would really concentrate on point 4.

Answer 7

I take it that you are female. It would be hard to imagine a male undergrad being on the receiving end of such indulgent attention from generally male faculty.

And you seem vaguely aware of the "effect" you are having on people, though without the will to regularize it and put it to positive use.

Deep down, if you want to stabilize perceptions and expectations around you and successfully pursue your career then you will need some help from off-campus. Professional help, someone who can listen and gauge where you are emotionally now and how to get you back to a happier place.

I feel you should ask a reputable lady doctor in the suburbs for a referral to a counsellor/therapist for your situation. This should help objectivize the situation and deal with it.