Pride vs. Joy: Perspectives from a recovering workaholic

I wrote this a while ago and it went unpublished. I did some soul searching, some life and career rearranging, and now I'm ready to talk real about it.

Like many, an entrepreneurial spirit drove me in every area of life. Being a bit of a control freak, I allowed the inner workaholic to take the wheel while the wife, mom, and friend hung out in the back seat, waving to everyone as the workaholic passed.

I created an illusion that I had it all. Being able to work from home was the shroud that hid a total lack of work/life balance. I was always around for my kids, but incapable of disconnecting. The conversations I was having with my husband revolved around office matters. I had it all figured out and yet I was a mess.

Everyone respects you when you work hard but that's not how you sustain a life. I was betraying myself. But a good friend told me to stop focusing on what gave me pride and focus on what gave me joy.

Like walking into a wall.

Pride and joy are inherently different and boy was I unprepared for the reality of pride. Pride is a combination of courage and anger (she read that somewhere). At first I argued with her until I realized, when I dissected my pride, she was right. I felt courage and anger and both combined to create an instability. I was martyring. It was unfair.

Years ago, when at 7pm I chose to take a call rather than snuggle my son, desperate for some interaction, I realized I wasn't successful. I am not successful if I am not finding joy. I was systematically dismantling joy for that which gave me pride. I was feeding a monster.

I needed to purge the monster.

I could blame my husband for being bothered by my misplaced focus. I could blame my kids for not "getting it" that mommy has a job to do. I could blame my job for "inhibiting" self care. I could just keep lying to myself to protect my pride...

Or I could own my pride and unnecessary sacrifice and release it to make room for the abundance the universe had waiting for me. I could appreciate my experience, honor that the place that led me to spiral out of control started well intentioned but went unchecked, and I could be grateful for the forgiveness of those around me that I may have hurt by having diminished priorities.

I made some BIG changes. I ran to joy, full speed.

If you aren't seeking joy, basking in it, and nourishing it you are probably sapping joy from those around you. I've actively decided that my vision of success is freedom, stillness, and joy that radiates. That which doesn't support those 3 pillars can no longer sit on my mantel of priorities. I love what I do and have an incredible employer, but I honor my free time by letting it be truly free.

I've read a few people openly promoting that financial success is the only success. Self proclaimed authorities that believe that the 24/7 hustle is the only way to financial freedom or "the life you've always wanted." Friends, this is not the equation the will bring true abundance to 99% of people.

Follow your joy.