Am I a Good Mother?

For women, especially mothers, self-doubt can appear frequently and unexpectedly. How do we stop asking if we are good enough and just know we are? 

Growing up, I always knew my mother would move mountains for me. She’s my greatest advocate, fiercest protector, and most trusted confidant. 

I vividly remember one instance when I was in fourth grade: I needed an accessory for my queen costume. When I overpaid for a wand, my mother took me back into the store. She broke a couple of wands and told the shopkeeper, “Now we are even. No one deceives my little girl.” And she has continued to support me throughout my life. 

Without fail, she was always there for me—even at the cost of a career or business opportunity.

Many times, I doubt myself. Am I a good mother? I chose the career path early in life. I never really took maternity leave. I miss many important moments with my children. Yet, they’re always my first priority. Does this make me a good mother? 

I wish I knew. My only reference is my own mom, whom I’m fortunate enough to believe is the best. Despite our different paths, I credit much of my success as a woman and leader to her influence. 

Amid all the various life choices women can make—whether to work or stay at home—one thing unites us all: guilt. 

Win the battle by building trust.

For mothers, guilt is a shared experience. From children to spouses, everyone needs our attention. The demand is constant. It leaves little time for exercise, hobbies, traveling, or ourselves. 

I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt when I see my colleagues outpacing me in the number of their yearly work trips. Meanwhile, my children think I travel too much. I feel an ache in my conscience at the thought of spending even two weeks away from them.  

So, how do mothers navigate this push-and-pull? We learn to live with it by trusting the choices we make today are the right ones for tomorrow. We give our children tools to learn from our examples and make good decisions. 

Here are four ways to cultivate that trust in ourselves and our children: 

1. Maximize every moment:
2. We only have so much time to give, so we must spend it wisely. As working mothers, we must squeeze the most we can from every hour. We can’t give everything to everyone all the time, but we can give someone everything as each moment allows.

When I spend time with my kids, even if only for an hour, I’m entirely present—no phone, email, or Slack. Focus on the quality of the time spent, not the quantity. If you need to, put your phone in another room.

1. Reframe roles:
2. Traditional family roles have shifted—so should our lexicon around parenthood. With both parents typically working in a household, neither should be referred to as a “babysitter” or “helping hand.” By talking about both as equally responsible for their children, we reframe our discussions around the family unit and the professional world.
4. Reframing brings the added benefit of change. When we change how we speak about each other, we change how society perceives us. For example, many working mothers feel pressure to overperform by returning to the office immediately following maternity leave to work full-time hours lest they be considered uncommitted or unreliable. But if they spend too much time at work, they’re “absent” mothers. 

What if we stopped imposing our ideas of success on others? I was promoted twice after having a child. The right balance is doing what feels right for you.

1. Remember self-care:
2. As a parent spread thin, finding time for myself is critical. We can’t trust ourselves as caretakers if we neglect our own needs. For me, exercise is how I disconnect from the world. My kids joke about how much I dedicate to my fitness routine, describing my balance as “work-life-exercise.”

Committing that time daily can be easier said than done, so remember to be flexible. If something takes up my fitness hour, I always set the intention to regain that time at another point in the day. As long as we communicate our needs for self-care, our loved ones should understand and respect those needs.

1. Support your children:
2. I know my mother will always support me—even when we disagree. And she knows she’s equipped me with the tools and values to succeed.
4. Sometimes, supporting our children also means knowing when to say “no.” And this can be hard to do—harder still when you are often absent. The guilt can intensify, but I believe boundaries are a form of love.
6. When my college-aged son asked for shopping money, I said no. I could’ve gone straight to Venmo, but I recognized the importance of teaching him to make his own way. He’s always been incredibly gifted, and this moment presented an opportunity. A few days later, he shared exciting news with me: He landed a paid gig as a DJ at his university. Now, his name is all over campus, promising future opportunities.

The word “no” can be a valuable chance for them to carve their path—one they enjoy—so they can learn to trust themselves long after you’re gone.

Allow trust to grow.

The real secret is that anyone can be a good mother, whether it was modeled for you or not.

If you’re wondering, it proves your devotion to the various aspects of your life—from yourself to your career and your family. 

Sometimes work may need you more. When I launch a new product or have a conference, I put 300% of myself into that activity. I just don’t have the time or mental capacity for anything else. That’s why it’s so important that I’m transparent about that with my kids. Once I’ve fulfilled that obligation, I can recenter my focus on myself and my family. While it won’t bring back the lost time, it will bring balance.

The key is to be intentional with your effort regarding things you care about deeply. Allow that intent to power you through your guilt, leaving room for trust to grow.