My job as a crab delivery driver in Elden Ring

Emma's Adventures was a monthly column created for Eurogamer Supporters that ran throughout 2023. In it, Emma Kent explored online virtual worlds in a way that's become uniquely her own - usually involving an obscure pursuit in a very hostile environment. She's done dressage in Red Dead Online, been a painter in Rust, and created a real-estate business in Valheim, to name a few. And there are always unexpected twists in her tales. Some of these articles are now a year old, so rather than have them gather dust in an archive, we thought we'd open them up. We'll open a new one each month. This month's couldn't be more timely. Behold Emma's short-lived career as a crab delivery driver in Elden Ring. You'd think people would welcome her with open arms...

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In the wild, abandoned wastes of the Consecrated Snowfield, a warrior stands on the precipice of a frozen ledge, his broad frame silhouetted against a soulless sky. His ragged cloak lifts in the wind, catching slightly on his armour. The crunch of snow behind him betrays the footsteps of something living, and he turns to face his opponent. Another challenger is approaching. Foolish.

The warrior unsheathes his sword, dull edges twisted and curled from the brutal force of previous collisions. Dark red lines have dried into the hilt. He mutters an incantation under his breath, bracing his body for the bone-shuddering impact of battle. The two figures circle each other, pausing just outside of striking range. For a moment, even the cruel wind stills, lessening her fury to watch the duel below. Then the veteran lets out a cry, raising his terrible blade to land the first blow. But to his horror, his opponent has already moved. An unfamiliar stab of fear runs through the warrior. He looks to the ground.

A fresh plate of steaming hot crab is on the floor.

Ok, so I hope you all enjoyed that dramatic reading of one of my first interactions as a food delivery driver in Elden Ring. Even by my standards, this might seem like a particularly strange occupation to take up in The Lands Between. The reason I ended up doing this, I must confess, is that I got stuck on the last couple of bosses for quite a long time. So after being repeatedly bopped on the head by Radagon, I decided to have a career change, temporarily abandoning my god-given destiny to take on work as a food courier. For if I couldn't complete this epic quest myself, I could at least ensure other players were well-fed to complete theirs.

Dropping food on the floor may sound like an easy task, but the way I decided to do this made things a little more difficult. While you can join players' worlds as a friendly Hunter to help them battle invaders, I felt that delivering food this way would be boring. I wanted something more surprising, more of a challenge. So I began to consider visiting other players as an invader. These are offensive players who normally engage you in PvP combat, and attempt to kill the world's host. Would it be possible for me, as a seemingly-hostile invader, to convince other players not to attack me, and instead pick up a tasty treat off the floor?

It was a question that nobody asked, but I decided to answer. I started by considering what I could drop. I settled on boiled crab, as this would allow me to roleplay as a food delivery driver, and it's actually a somewhat useful item (temporarily boosting your physical damage negation). So I immediately visited Blackguard Big Boggart - Elden Ring's crab guy - to buy vast amounts of shellfish. I probably single-handedly saved Leyndell's stagnant economy.

Next up was sorting out my appearance, the key to which was looking as unthreatening as possible. I chose a basic tabard that resembled a uniform, and combined it with a foot soldier helm that looked somewhat like a motorbike helmet. I then took a major risk, and unequipped all my weapons: I would either deliver boiled crabs, or die trying. Finally, I decided to name myself 'Crab Delivery', which I hoped would neatly convey my intentions. And with that, I was ready to start delivering plates of steaming hot crab.

Things initially got off to a shaky start when I struggled to navigate through Elden Ring's menus. The process of depositing crab on the floor, it seems, is surprisingly fiddly - particularly when your life is on the line. Elden Ring's multiplayer systems are also quite limited when it comes to communication: all you have are some simple gestures, and a couple of useful one-liners such as "you're beautiful" which can be emitted from prattling pate clay heads. This all makes for some very silly interactions, but the process of swapping between gestures, dropping crab meat, and then running out of sword range certainly took some practice.

Surprisingly, a friendly wave would often be enough to stop players in their tracks - for a moment at least. But I soon encountered some unexpected challenges. In my first few attempts, I noticed that players were extremely hesitant to pick up items. This is something I can only attribute to the fear of accidentally acquiring a hacked object. In previous Souls games, some PvP players would deliberately drop unobtainable items on the floor for other players to pick up. This would then flag the hapless victims on FromSoftware's anti-cheat systems, and land them with a soft ban. In Elden Ring's case, the hacked item has taken the form of some cursed panties. This certainly made things more difficult for me, as I could tell several players didn't trust me enough to risk picking up an item.

The other major problem was, simply, bloodlust. For many players, the opportunity to freely slaughter another player was irresistible. Invaders also drop a rune arc on death, which may have been enough to convince some to murder me. At level 150, however, I imagine they probably already had a healthy stash of rune arcs: the simple joy of killing was reason enough for them. In one clip, you can see a group of players clearly having some form of discussion over voice chat, before collectively deciding to murder me. I'll admit being T-bagged by this group was a real low point.

That's not to say my mission wasn't successful, however, and I soon found myself delivering food - and surviving! One player even used a prattling pate to say thank you, which was very polite of them. Others would gesture their thanks in some way, and then leave me alone to peacefully exit their world. Perhaps my favourite interaction was one in which I was eventually killed, but the players showed instant regret for their actions - falling to the ground in despair and curling up in a ball to express their guilt. I forgive you, you murderous traitors.

I'd like to imagine that the arrival of someone called Crab Delivery brought joy to these players, who were likely expecting just another aggressive invader, and instead got a surprise roleplaying interaction. It's certainly in the spirit of Elden Ring, too, which on the surface may appear to be a very serious fantasy epic, but actually contains plenty of silly moments. There's the jar town, Radahn's festival, Goldmask, the physical comedy of those big silver balls… the sheer absurdity of running around with a giant purple finger as a weapon. And as with other Souls games, Elden Ring's multiplayer often promotes the idea of jolly cooperation: coming together to help each other survive in a devastatingly hard world. These elements of goofiness and cooperation are perhaps best exemplified by community legend Let Me Solo Her, known for wearing a pot on his head while helping players defeat Malenia thousands of times. I can't claim to have been this useful, but it was uplifting to see players defy their killing instincts to engage in something rather ridiculous.

And so this story ends not with a bloody duel, but with a lone warrior, stooping to collect some crab. The fighter tucks the salty meat away in his pouch, before pausing for a moment. He reaches into the bag for another item, uncurling an enormous fist to reveal a small gift of his own. A tiny clay head, that quietly utters the words "thank you". Tired and weary, the warrior turns once more to the horizon, his cloak billowing out amongst the clouds. He still has duties to complete, battles to win. But for all those who might be watching, it's impossible to miss the small smile that flickers across his face.