Making a Jewish Ritual for my Divorce

In the weeks leading up to my civil divorce, I delved into Jewish tradition to see how I could mark it Jewishly. I'd been married under a chuppah with the exquisite blessings of our tradition; simply marking my divorce in the Cook County courthouse was not going to suffice.

I read, researched, and spoke to colleagues and friends. I thought extensively about a getgetגֵּטReligious divorce document; plural: gittin. , a traditional writ of Jewish divorce, and decided to get one. I went before the Orthodox beit dinbeit dinבֵּית דִּיןHebrew for "house of judgment", a beit din is a rabbinical court that has jurisdiction in matters of Jewish law.   with my former husband and had the folded getdropped into my hands. I was treated with respect and addressed as "rabbi." However, as I exited the building fascinated, but unmoved, I realized that I wasn't seeking a legal transaction. I needed ritual.

I learned there was no Jewish ritual for divorce, so I decided to make one. I read, researched, and spoke with scholars and colleagues, but my usual decisiveness eluded me. Finally, I listened to a friend who assured me I'd know what I needed.

Soon, I stood on the shore of Lake Michigan with three friends and immersed three times in the lake as one does for a mikvahמִקְוֶהA ritual pool or gathering of waters used for ritual immersion to mark a significant life cycle moment, celebration, or transition, or as a component of the conversion ritual. In some Jewish communities, married women immerse each month at the conclusion of their menstrual cycle. Customarily, a bride immerses in a mikvah prior to her wedding and today, both brides and grooms might immerse prior to their wedding. Some people immerse to prepare for Shabbat or holidays. There are many creative rituals for using the mikvah at any significant lifecycle moment. Immersion in a mikvah is also a final step in the conversion process; a natural body of water also can serve as a mikvah. Plural: mikvaot. ritual, amidst prayer, song, and text that we had created. I was buoyed by my community and tradition as I marked my new wholeness and journey forward.

I went on to write, teach, and speak about this process, recording an ELI talk, "Getting Ritual Making Meaningful Jewish Moments," and composing and delivering a High Holy Day sermon on the topic.

In Judaism, divorce is permitted as a legitimate procedure which should be employed only in the case of unavoidable necessity. It is viewed with sadness but is understood to be a reality in mainstream Jewish legal discussion. The challenge for Reform Jews is how we approach those proceedings.

Traditionally, a husband would grant his wife a get getגֵּטReligious divorce document; plural: gittin. to become divorced. The get getגֵּטReligious divorce document; plural: gittin. is created according to Jewish law and traditionally given by the husband to the wife in a scripted ceremony in front of a beit dinbeit dinבֵּית דִּיןHebrew for "house of judgment", a beit din is a rabbinical court that has jurisdiction in matters of Jewish law.   . The process has multiple questions that ask the husband and wife to confirm their consent to the divorce. While the halakhichalachahהֲלָכָהLiterally, “walking, “way,” or “path;” refers specifically to a body of Jewish law governing all aspects of life; includes the 613 mitzvot (commandments) and ongoing interpretation over many centuries. requirement to have a get getגֵּטReligious divorce document; plural: gittin. is not one most Reform Jews feel obligated to fulfill. Moreover, a traditional getis available only for a Jewish husband and a Jewish wife; it doesn't speak to interfaith and LGBTQ+ couples.

Many non-Orthodox Jews who divorce might never approach their rabbi or cantor for a Jewish ritual to mark it. Here lies an opportunity to create meaningful Jewish moments in divorce.

What can you do if you find yourself getting a divorce? You can go it alone, but asking a rabbi, cantor, or friend to help might make the journey easier. Consider what you are seeking - closure for yourself? Legal closure? A ritual with your former partner? For me, it was a meaningful ritual, surrounded by loving friends who could lead it with me.

There are options:

1. You can speak with a Reform rabbi or cantor and they can guide you through a ritual on your own or with your former partner with liturgy they have that speaks to a liberal/Reform Jewish experience. They can even give you a document that is egalitarian.
2. If you are concerned about a divorce being recognized by those who are Conservative or Orthodox, you could seek an Orthodox get getגֵּטReligious divorce document; plural: gittin. or work with an organization like Kayama that facilitates the get process by working with your rabbi or cantor.
3. You can create or participate in a new ritual, either alone, with friends, or with your clergy, sharing our tradition's resources that can be given new meaning and filled with our own voices. Here, the opportunities for sacredness and meaning are limited only by your willingness to explore.

Here are some thought-provoking, accessible rituals that I've participated in or learned about from colleagues:

• A mikvahmikvahמִקְוֶהA ritual pool or gathering of waters used for ritual immersion to mark a significant life cycle moment, celebration, or transition, or as a component of the conversion ritual. In some Jewish communities, married women immerse each month at the conclusion of their menstrual cycle. Customarily, a bride immerses in a mikvah prior to her wedding and today, both brides and grooms might immerse prior to their wedding. Some people immerse to prepare for Shabbat or holidays. There are many creative rituals for using the mikvah at any significant lifecycle moment. Immersion in a mikvah is also a final step in the conversion process; a natural body of water also can serve as a mikvah. Plural: mikvaot. ritual of surrounding myself with my own symbolic beit din beit dinבֵּית דִּיןHebrew for "house of judgment", a beit din is a rabbinical court that has jurisdiction in matters of Jewish law.   - friends who represented my loving community - and immersing myself to mark my transformation.
• A tashlichTashlichתַּשְׁלִיךְ"Casting away;" A traditional ceremony held during the Yamim Nora-im (Days of Awe), usually on the first day of Rosh HaShanah, in which individuals symbolically “cast away” their sins or wrongdoings from the past year by throwing breadcrumbs into a flowing body of water. -based ritual created by one woman who wanted to affirm her new wholeness and cast off the brokenness and uncertainty of her past.
• A couple's ritual to emphasize your split while including your mutual release and forgiveness. Recalling that at a traditional Jewish wedding, couples share from one cup of wine, and this time they each drink from their own cup of wine.

Everyone's circumstances are different. Some come to this point with strength and joy, while others will still be hurt and sad. Some may feel relief or exhaustion. A brief ritual at the mikvahmikvahמִקְוֶהA ritual pool or gathering of waters used for ritual immersion to mark a significant life cycle moment, celebration, or transition, or as a component of the conversion ritual. In some Jewish communities, married women immerse each month at the conclusion of their menstrual cycle. Customarily, a bride immerses in a mikvah prior to her wedding and today, both brides and grooms might immerse prior to their wedding. Some people immerse to prepare for Shabbat or holidays. There are many creative rituals for using the mikvah at any significant lifecycle moment. Immersion in a mikvah is also a final step in the conversion process; a natural body of water also can serve as a mikvah. Plural: mikvaot. , in the synagogue, or outside the courtroom could provide a sacred moment to mark the occasion.

Here is a ritual anyone could do to mark this moment as sacred. The ritual has been adapted from Supplement to L'chol Z'man v'Eit: For Sacred Moments - The CCAR Life-Cycle Guide (CCAR Press, 2021, used by permission of the Central Conference of American Rabbis): 

Rabbi/Cantor/Friend:

God of the generations.
As ____ sets out today with a new status,
Let her/him/them journey with wholeness,
Aware of her/his/their strength,
Cognizant of her/his/their abilities to chart a new course
Focused on gratitude for possibility and potential.
Source of life, bless her/him/them with renewal.

Person marking divorce:

God of creation, this is a new beginning.
May I recognize its light: y'hi or.
May I see its goodness: ki tov.
May I greet it with blessing.
May I mark it with holiness.

OR

Give me strength as I walk a new path.
Open my eyes to the goodness before me.
Gird my footsteps with courage to move ahead each day.
Allow my hands to envelope those I love.
Encourage my soul to joy, my mind to trust.
Remind me to be patient with myself and others.
Open my heart to acknowledge peace.

Rabbi & gathered friends/family:

Priestly Benediction (scroll down page to the Priestly Blessing)

Individual marking this time:

Shehechyanu

Parts of this blog have been adapted from: Navigating the Journey: The Essential Guide to the Jewish Life Cycle (CCAR Press, 2018). Used by permission of the Central Conference of American Rabbis.