Something that I've had to come to terms with over the course of the nearly forty fucking years I've existed on this godforsaken planet is that I am, by default, a very anxious people-pleaser. While I may come off as the embodiment of calm, cool, collected, and everyone agrees that I seem extremely super normal, and not at all dripping with insecurity about nearly every goddamned facet of my entire being... I have to pull back the veil, dear reader, and admit that it's all a ruse.
I am a mess.
One of the ways this manifests in me is a sort of manic, desperate pursuit of reconciliation when I think I may have wronged someone. Occasionally, I may even be correct in that assumption, but usually it's just me overthinking. As a storyteller, no one is more excited to hear the stories I've made up more than me and my big idiot brain.
I bring this up because I had a very strange and irrational experience recently that led me to a startling realization: I must destroy my blogroll, despite how much I adore every single site on it.
How did we get here? Well, I'll have to kindly ask for your preemptive forgiveness as I get weirdly vulnerable about how my anxiety manifests.
For some context: I'm looking to rebuild my website from scratch. I've used Squarespace for so many projects over the years, and I've grown quite accustomed to it, weird little idiosyncrasies and all. Lately, however, a number of product decisions have started testing my patience. The disillusionment cycle began. And once the news of a private equity takeover dropped, I knew it was time for my transition from idiot writer to idiot writer & front end developer.[1]
So, as a result, I've been hopping around to other people's blogs to:
- Gather inspiration.
- Inspect page sources to figure out what people are building their blogs on.
As a part of this journey, I went to someone's site, started poking around, and navigated to their blogroll only to make a tragic discovery: my blog wasn't included on it.
To be clear, my blog isn't included on a lot of blogrolls. My writing isn't for everyone, and I possess the self-awareness to fully understand that I am not entitled to take up space on someone else's site. This fact, in all honesty, does not haunt me at night, I promise I am totally fine.
The only reason this was notable, though, was because, not long ago, it had been there. I had seen it with my own eyes. But now it was gone, and it appeared to have been the only blog removed from the list since I last saw it there. So I was left with the knowledge that it had been removed, with no understanding as to why.
All I knew was that it felt bad.
Uh oh.
My brain lit up. Did I do something wrong? Did I offend this person? Did something I write conflict with their sensibilities? We had been rather cordial with one another up to the point. I get that my writing can be a little, uh, much for some, but I thought that's why they had included my blog on their roll in the first place! What changed? How did I hurt them? What could I do to make it right?
Now, something that therapy has helped me understand throughout the years is that sitting around, telling yourself stories isn't a particularly beneficial strategy for the long-term stability of your mental health, and that much of the grief that anxiety inspires can be completely circumvented by some direct, honest conversation.
But—and this is a very big but, that's why it's italicized—that can backfire in the instances where the person with whom you want to discuss is more of an acquaintance, rather than a friend. In that case, a direct, honest conversation might come off as an unhinged, parasocially-driven rant, the delivery of which, regardless of how well-intentioned, may just make what is ultimately a very benign and not-that-important situation into an unpleasant, awkward fiasco.
I just need to take a quick moment to express my gratitude that I have friends who love and care about me and are willing soundboards in those moments when I'm amped up a bit. Friends who will listen and understand, and give me thoughtful advice and validation.
"But, like, do I bring it up and check in? Or does that make me look like a crazy person?" I ask my friend about this other person, who is for all intents and purposes a stranger to me.
"That would seem like crazy behavior even if I kind of agree about wanting to know," my friend said. "I don't think you're crazy for feeling upset/weird about it just to be clear. I'd be the same way."
My wife expressed a similar sentiment.
All I'm saying is I have good people in my corner.
So despite my bias toward direct conversation, my friends validated my instinct that this was one of those situations where I was just going to have to let it go. In the end, the why didn't matter. Some mysteries aren't worth solving.
And, let me reiterate that I understand this was irrational, driven wholly by anxiety. These were inside thoughts, and inside thoughts are better left alone.[2] This person didn't owe me an explanation. Being included on a list of sites they enjoyed was flattering, but, again, not something I am entitled to. I get that. At the end of the day, I'm talking about a fucking blogroll here. Like, yeah, this is extremely low on the big list of potential grievances.
But—italicized—this experience did inadvertently help me understand why I have been struggling with maintaining my own site's blogroll.
I started mine because I wanted to enthusiastically share cool fuckin' websites. I love seeing people's creativity, reading their words, and being exposed to their art. There are seemingly endless options out there, which means my blogroll could quickly become a huge, sprawling, unruly list. Some people do that! No shade. I just don't think that fits my vision. I want to curate.
But ever since I built this thing, I've only ever added to it, even as it started to feel bigger in scope than I wanted. And I realize that the reason for this bloat was that the thought of removing someone made me feel bad on their behalf (whether they're as sensitive and anxious as I am or not, which also feels kinda presumptuous and rude? I dunno, my brain is stupid). What sites I keep or remove would, in the end, be an arbitrary decision guided largely by this weird puristic mindset of keeping things contained. Small. Manageable. It would not be a subjective assessment of them as a person, or the perceived quality or value of their work.
And yet, the mere thought of having to make that decision. That there was even a slight chance that someone might notice I no longer included them. That they might even feel bad or hurt or anxious as a result. Well that sucked, and it kept me from being able to do much of anything with it. So the blogroll has just languished as a result.
Something that therapy has taught me over the years is that it's important to recognize when something isn't serving you. Even if it seemed like a good idea at the time, when it becomes more of a mental burden, it's often the better decision to let it go.
Yes, we're still talking about a fucking blogroll. I know. I'm just as annoyed as you are.
But anxiety sucks. It's irrational, often debilitating, and it is incredibly adept at creating mountains out of molehills. And my blogroll, for me, has become a source of anxiety. Despite the good intentions. Despite how positively things began. Despite how much I love sharing cool shit with others. That little corner of my website isn't serving me any longer.
It's not worth being paralyzed by inside thoughts.
So it's time to die.[3]