Satire

SCOOPS: It’s Time To Carpet Bomb Mexico

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Scoops Delacroix Freelance Writer
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This will not stand, you know. This aggression cannot stand, man.

For too long Uncle Sam has play-acted imperial conquistador in the Middle East; for too long he has waged his fruitless proxy war in Ukraine. It’s time he unleashes his precious military-industrial complex on his bumptious neighbor to the south: the corrupt narco-state of Mexico. (RELATED: The NFL Makes A Sickening Decision. How Low Will The League Stoop?)

Over the weekend, Mexico all but begged to be turned to glass.

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First, Mexico’s president, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, blamed the U.S. for its fentanyl crisis and threatened to unleash a tidal wave of illegal aliens to the southern border if Joe Biden does not cave to his absurd demands, which includes billions in aid for Latin American countries, work visas for 10 million illegals entering the U.S., and an end to Cuba sanctions. (Biden probably will, if we’re being honest).

Second, Mexican soccer fans apparently hurled some nasty slurs at the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team during the CONCACAF Nations League final Sunday. It got so bad the match was stopped. Although the U.S. went on to handily beat Mexico 2-0, those shocking insults cannot be overlooked.

You might not care about soccer, you might think it’s ghey. However, no foreign fans should ever be allowed to attack one of our teams unless, of course, it’s the deeply anti-American communist women’s soccer team. The men’s though? That’s a declaration of war. (RELATED: Fans Speculate Head Coach Suffered Embarrassing Wardrobe Malfunction In Worst Spot Possible)

This columnist is no fan of the neocons still crawling around Washington, D.C., after so many failed wars and so much treasure pissed away so Afghan girls can learn their ABCs, but sometimes their unhinged bloodlust can be put to good use. Like now. Against Mexico.

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Russia, Russia, Russia! China, China, China! Who cares when the Mexican president is blackmailing dementia Joe while Mexican fans are calling our national team f*gg*ts — in Spanish, to boot. Who cares if Mexico is practically a territory of America, our border is so wide open. (RELATED: SCOOPS: Joe Biden’s Immigration Crisis Has Finally Gone A Step Too Far)

We’ve done it before, and we can do it again.

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Neil Patel