busybee fluffy rambles

I haven’t posted here in a while so I figured I should do that, just to keep folks informed of my continued existence.

I’m still experiencing substantial post-COVID symptoms. This cough is persisting, and it’s made my vertigo way worse, to the point that I am having trouble driving anywhere. I also have a new fun symptom where every time I cough I get a flash headache on the right side of my head and sometimes that includes dizziness! Fun times. I hope this doesn’t presage an aneurysm or something.

Anyway in a couple days I’ll be flying to Denver for Song Fight! Live, the first time we’ve done it in person since 2019. I’ve missed doing this so much. Unfortunately my vertigo situation means I will not be renting a car and will relying heavily on Lyft and mass transit.

For folks in the area, my performances (Sockpuppet and Octothorpe) will be Friday the 19th at Buntport Theater, with the show starting at 5 PM. I will also be accompanying some folks on Saturday the 20th on drums, and of course that day is also the “live fight” when we all debut a song written in a hurry for a title that’s given sometime this week.

I mean, assuming I’m not about to die of some major brain hemmorhage or something.

Meanwhile I’m also trying to get more VRChat performance opportunities. Stuff is slowly fermenting in that space and hopefully it leads somewhere good. Unfortunately most scheduled VRChat performance stuff all happens in clumps where I already have other stuff going on too. Maybe I should just start making my own concerts and see what happens.

I’m over COVID, and just have a little lingering bronchitis. Also some of the worst brain fog I’ve ever had. I feel like my brain’s been through a blender. Spatial relationships make very little sense, my reaction times are super slow, I am definitely not safe driving right now, and so on.

My standard state of affairs is best described as “dazed and confused” right now. I feel like my mental acuity has pretty much gone away. I’m also making a lot of ridiculous spelling mistakes when I write, and I’m having trouble stringing together basic procedures for things.

Basically I feel like I’ve taken massive brain damage and this has me all sorts of fucked up.

At least I’m not alone in this but that’s cold comfort. If I can’t recover from this, what future do I have? My brain is pretty much the only thing I had going for me and now I don’t even have that.

Last night I started feeling significant pain whenever I inhaled too deeply, telling me there was either pleurisy or another embolism happening. I gave it several hours to try to resolve on its own, and it just got worse and worse, so this morning, I headed to the ER.

And there I waited, and waited, and waited, and then after around four hours of nothing happening while just sitting in the waiting room in agony, the pain had resolved itself, and I could breathe normally again.

So I asked about being discharged early, and was told to wait, and wait, and wait, and it was another hour or so before I was able to leave.

Anyway I’m back home now, and hopefully this is the last of the COVID drama in my life for a little while.

I hate how every time I get sick, be it with COVID or anything else, I spend so much time feeling worthless and like I’m in limbo and like everything is passing me by.

I’ve got stuff to do but I’m feeling way too tired to do any of it and I’m full of depression right now. Post-COVID everything just feels so pointless, and I also feel so alone.

I’m supposed to be getting my set together for Song Fight! Live, but I’m just full of negative self-talk and a feeling that nobody gives a shit about me or my music. I hustle so much trying to find anyone who wants to work with me on anything and the best I can find is endless unpaid work for exposure which never amounts to anything.

I forced myself to take a walk today and it was nice to get out of the house but I still just felt so alone with my thoughts, and those thoughts weren’t great to listen to.

Sometimes it sucks to live alone.

I seem to have made it through the worst of the COVID. My fever’s mostly gone, and my cough is way less severe (which is good because oh my god does it hurt to cough anymore). I’ve lost five pounds since Friday but also I’m finally getting my appetite back so hopefully I can cushion some of that.

Because of the current surge, the antivirals are all super out of stock, including Molnupiravir which I’d gotten a prescription for (unfortunately Paxlovid isn’t safe for me to take due to my blood thinners). I had a followup with my GP yesterday and we decided that based on my progress I don’t really need it anyway. (She also doesn’t think the nodules they found on Sunday need a followup.)

As usual I seem to have a secondary bacterial infection in my lungs, judging by the phlegm I’ve been coughing up, but hopefully that’ll clear up in a few days and I won’t need antibiotics for it. For now I’m just taking pseudoephedrine and guaifenisin which is my usual “sit it out” protocol, since I’m allergic to most antibiotics and am super worried about antibiotic-resistant bacterial strains (and anyway Washington State guidance is to wait a week if possible before prescribing antibiotics for lung and sinus infections).

Usually when I get COVID I use QFC’s overpriced grocery delivery service (which is really just Kroger-branded Instacart), but lately I’ve been shopping at Safeway more so I figured I’d try theirs out instead, and wow, it was way cheaper, just $4 + tip for my whole order. We’ll see if the ice cream survives.

I am super fatigued right now and that’s making it even less feasible for me to work right now. It hasn’t even been a week since I was exposed, much less the onset of symptoms, so I have to remind myself that it’s totally normal to feel this way after an illness, especially COVID which usually wipes me out for months afterwards. I’m just hoping that given how quickly the disease progressed this time, so will the post-infection fatigue.

I feel super guilty about this but I’ve started up a gofundme to help defray some of my ongoing financial issues. I’m hoping I can ramp up on freelance stuff soon (not that I’d been having much luck with it before this, anyway) but at this point I’m mostly just hoping to carry things forward until I can finally get on disability. I do want to genuinely thank everyone who’s contributed so far, even though I feel really weird about accepting the money. I’d rather be getting it from random rich people and not, like, people I know, who I feel could probably use the money more than me? If that makes any sense? Gah.

This outbreak has been pretty devastating to the choir; at least 15% of us are sick, probably more. A lot of us are disabled or immunocompromised. I hope we’re going to see a return to our old masking+testing policies; they’d been relaxed this season in keeping with King County infection statistics, and we were caught totally off-guard by this surge. It’s a very hard lesson learned for the future.

In some positive news, my parents (who were visiting for the choir show) are not testing positive, and I’m glad they were here when I needed them most.

I’m back at home. They did a CT scan but there wasn’t anything too concerning, it just seems that I was coughing hard enough that I had a minor bleed in my lungs, exacerbated by the blood thinners I take due to my clotting disorder. The prognosis is to just not take my blood thinners for a few days and to do the usual hydration/plenty of rest/etc.

The CT scan did find a couple of probably-unrelated nodules on my lungs which are probably nothing but will need a followup.

Anwyay tomorrow my prescription for molnupiravir should finally come through. It’d have been nice if I could have started on it yesterday when it was prescribed but supplies are limited right now. But it should at least help me to recover much more quickly.